Why can’t I just be productive and get things done without panic attacks like everyone else?
I feel so useless at my job. It’s like I’m always a step or two behind and struggling to catch up. And then, when I do get the time, I freak myself out and wind up doing none of it. Aside from that, I feel like the work I actually do on a daily basis is half-ass. I could be doing so much more; so much better – but I always wind up taking the easy way out. I hate that I’m such a lazy, procrastinating slacker.
I wish I could see a counselor, but they’re not all that accessible here. Sometimes I wish I’d have never left home. I wish I’d have gone to Vo-Tech for auto repair like I wanted. I could have stayed in the same town I grew up in, just like everyone else I graduated with. The only drawback is that I’d never have met my wife if I didn’t go to college. I suppose it’s a catch-22. And there are some things that we will just never know – would I have been happy as a mechanic at home? Would I have found someone else? Would I still get these panic attacks?
Well, fuck it. The truth is that I made the choices I did and now I am where I am. At surface level, I’ve got it pretty good – I just wish I could learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.
That’s all for now. Maybe I’ll dump some more on tomorrow. Again, my internet companions, thanks for reading.