Would I?


Why can’t I just be productive and get things done without panic attacks like everyone else?

I feel so useless at my job.  It’s like I’m always a step or two behind and struggling to catch up.  And then, when I do get the time, I freak myself out and wind up doing none of it.  Aside from that, I feel like the work I actually do on a daily basis is half-ass.  I could be doing so much more; so much better – but I always wind up taking the easy way out.  I hate that I’m such a lazy, procrastinating slacker.

I wish I could see a counselor, but they’re not all that accessible here.  Sometimes I wish I’d have never left home.  I wish I’d have gone to Vo-Tech for auto repair like I wanted.  I could have stayed in the same town I grew up in, just like everyone else I graduated with.  The only drawback is that I’d never have met my wife if I didn’t go to college.  I suppose it’s a catch-22.  And there are some things that we will just never know – would I have been happy as a mechanic at home?  Would I have found someone else?  Would I still get these panic attacks?

Well, fuck it.  The truth is that I made the choices I did and now I am where I am.  At surface level, I’ve got it pretty good – I just wish I could learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.

That’s all for now.  Maybe I’ll dump some more on tomorrow.  Again, my internet companions, thanks for reading.

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