Tuesday

He said I was a perfect person. He says I’m so fuckin beautiful. Even when I’m crying and my makeup is a mess.  He thinks I’m the sexiest girl and I felt like it with him.  He told me he was willing to go to the darkest depths of it with me.  He agrees that Matt is bad news and that house is too.  He knows all these things and says he was trying so hard.  But why wasn’t anyThing happening? Why were we moving in the wrong direction? Why did I have to wait longer.  I was screaming for help.  Begging.  I was so desperate for him to hear me and come together with me to make a change.  And nothing… nothing but him trying the way he was and still expecting me to be fixed?? I love him so much and I wish I would’ve have hurt him that way but I was hurt to.  I am hurt too.  We were going down.  And would’ve crashed hard.  I feel like I took the brunt of it.  I made the hard choice.  To show him I wouldn’t take his kids away.  And look where it got me.  I knew they would be ok.  I knew he would have to step up and get moving.  I knew he would have to see he could do it without me.  And he did and he is.   And now it hurts so much because of how it ended.  It was never supposed to be like this.  And it’s the hardest for him??? He has our boys.   Is he just messing with me.  ?  Telling me things and everyone else different things?? Does he really love me?? Was it real love or just his infatuation lust and obsession??  I’m so confused and lost and can’t aeem to figure this all out.  Is roday really going to happen?? Will things really be ok.  As far as him and the boys??? I am so overwhelmed. I’m trying so hard. I get overwhelmed and panic because I can feel the weight of it all coming crashing down and it makes me was to do something irrational.  I’ve neen so strong. But how long can I hold up? 

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