I think I know what’s going on.
I think I’m fighting a mental breakdown.
I’m fighting so damn hard but every day is the same.
Wife insisted I buy a gun cabinet. She’s afraid I might hurt myself. I know I’ve said I won’t, but… I kinda want to. I just feel like the world’s biggest disappointment. I should be so good (and I did used to be) but now I can’t… I don’t even know how to finish that sentence. Nothing feels good anymore. I get drunk because it’s all I know how to cope, and even that’s getting old.
What if I had a hobby? A GOOD hobby – something I’d actually want to work at and have something really nice at the end. Would it help? Is the ennui part of my problem?
I can tell you something that IS a huge part of my problem: My job. I feel like way too much is expected of me in addition to my day-to-day duties and I have a really hard time keeping up. I hate it. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!! But you know what? I’m fucking stuck. There’s nowhere else for me to go and do what I want to do.
I was supposed to be a rock star by now. I was supposed to get discovered at 21 and be living out my wildest dreams right now, touring the world, making records, meeting fans. It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen and it probably won’t happen.
So what do I do? Quit this job and just save the 5 years of music school as an interesting anecdote to break out at parties? “Say, did you know that he can do MUSIC?” “Well, golly, no! That’s amazing!” Or do I stay here and panic and ache and fall into this void of self-loathing until I crack completely? I saw it happen to one of my colleagues just a few weeks ago.
I was raised Christian and I’ve always followed the teachings. I rarely doubt my faith, but, what the hell, God? I know, I know, you never bring me to anything you won’t bring me through, but right now I just want to cry and scream and run and kick and punch. Why? Can’t you help me, please? Please?