If I could be completely honest…

…I hate being alone. On the other hand, I pray to meet genuine people. Sometimes I wonder if I met these type of people, would I even be able to keep them around?

For awhile I was fine being by myself, but as another year comes to an end, I realize how sad I truly am to be the only person that I can trust. I’m very independent, but deep down I wish I had someone to depend on. It would be nice to be heard, understood, wanted and loved. I have a supportive family who loves me dearly, but I have no social interactions with any other people besides them and customers at work.

I wasn’t always like this, most people would describe me as an extrovert. 

I became this way after a break up. 

Yes, a damn break up smh.

I don’t miss him, our relationship was toxic. Although I fell out of love, I ended up falling into a yearly depression. He’s lost power over me in many ways except one: I refuse to trust people enough to give them a chance. I get anxiety when people like me or want to befriend me. It causes me to isolate myself and push people away. 

It’s a negative cycle that I want to end. I know it won’t end this year, so I’m striving for next year. I’m giving myself this month to hold onto my isolation, but next year this has to stop. I’ve wasted years out of my life that I can’t get back. I don’t know when my time will be up, but I do know that I don’t want to spend the rest of my days sad. 

I want to be myself again. Outgoing, engaging, a lover of laughter, and joyful. I want to be confident in myself with others.

I want to live again because I’ve been dead for some years now.




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