I haven’t written anything about her in a while.
It’s been a mess.
She told me she was seeing someone. Which I had suspected, but it still hurt. It hurt more when she wanted me to be the one around so she wouldn’t think about it when things got weird.
I finally gave in and said a lot of things I always thought I would be too afraid to say.
I told her I could love her. That I think I could fall in love with her. There was basically no reaction. I’m starting to feel numb and doing anything I can to feel something. I know I can fall in love with her, I’m scared its already happening. She says she would need to meet in person to know how she feels. All I hear when she says that is “No, I don’t feel anything but who knows, maybe you’re more interesting in person”
I just feel a vacuum of pain in my chest. And yet, I continue to be there for her. Because as long as she wants me in her life, I should count myself lucky for having that at least. I hate knowing that the things that she wants, I could give her. She’s looking for those things in someone else, and I have them, ready to give to her, and she doesn’t want them from me. She has decided she wants someone else in her life and possibly wants those things from her instead.
This sadness fills me on days like today, when she is less present. How do I tell her I want her around all the time without seeming needy or clingy? I don’t want to be those things, but I do want her around all the time. She changes me, and brings out something good in me, and when that isn’t there, I feel kind of empty.