Yesterday was a really bad day. My depression was overwhelming. I have got to do better today. I need to get out and walk John. It’s warm outside today, so I have no excuse not to. I know exercise helps me, but I still don’t want to. I’ve been reading about anti-depressants. I am currently taking 120mg of Cymbalta. I read yesterday that anything over 60 mg a day hasn’t been proven to be more effective. I need to figure something out. What I’m taking now is not working. I have been bad depressed for over 2 years now. I am fighting like hell most days. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing this day after day.
I wish I could work at the hospital. I just filled out an application to volunteer at Central Baptist. I would rather volunteer at UK, but they are not accepting applications until February. It’s hard to believe they have so many volunteers they can cut off taking them. I am still freaking out with anxiety right now. I really felt like I was about to lose my mind yesterday. It’s still a long time until January 15th – my first day of classes.
I’m doing better than yesterday. I’m not as sad. I just have to try to forget about Greg. I need to keep my focus on the future and stop thinking about him. I am going to be a nurse. I am going to be able to help people. I will be in a position to work as long as I want. I will be able to volunteer overseas and with disaster relief in the US. I will be able to keep my mind busy with my work. I just have to get started. I still need to order my UK transcript for my application to the program. I know the school will be stressful, but it will be a different kind of stress than teaching. In teaching, I am held responsible for too many things that I cannot control. I have no control over the kids I get and their behavior. I am still expected to be able to work fucking miracles when they can’t even shut up long enough to learn anything. I am just so tired of telling kids to be quiet, being the bathroom police, and all the other inane things I am asked to do.