if you’re meant to have it, it’ll come.

So.

Yesterday night I got my group’s final engineering project to work. I had to rewire the entire thing, since the original wiring had been done by two people (my friend and I) and it had gotten confusing and twisted, which is why I’d suspected that some of the wiring was wrong somewhere and I just couldn’t tell because the holes on the breadboard are so tiny and everything is tangled together. It turned out that the LED and some of the wires around it had actually been connected to the wrong rows, which kind of explains why the LED had been working so weirdly and the LCD had been displaying random characters (which could also maybe have had to do with connectivity issues with the LCD pins themselves). So I checked that all the resistors and the switches were placed correctly, took all the wires out and carefully separated them by color so they would be easier to see/tell apart when they were really close together, and connected the Piezo buzzer after looking up how to actually do that with the type of buzzer that can’t directly connect to wires and has to be placed on the breadboard itself. After all that, lo and behold– it worked.

I’m so relieved and glad that the project works. I’m really not sure how I would’ve faced my team members if I hadn’t gotten it to work… They’re sweet and wouldn’t have blamed me, but you know, the responsibility of it still made me nervous.

The semester is almost over. I’m going back to TX via train on the 15th, and returning on the 9th of January. I feel super weird about all of this, because half of freshman year is almost over now, and that just baffles me. So much has happened and changed in my life, and in me. I feel so different.

The interesting thing is that I think I’m becoming more of the girl I always was rather than changing and becoming a “new person”. I talk more, smile more, laugh more (and with my mouth open!! shocking), feel less awkward, am less afraid of people, find it easier to handle my emotional ups and downs without manifesting them and acting bitchy to other people (although I still need to work on that). And it all feels natural, not like learned behaviors… does this even make sense? Anyway, I think I’ve been changing for the better and I am eternally grateful for the friends who have helped me along with these changes.

In general, I’ve just been becoming a more open, more outgoing, more optimistic person. It’s a huge change from how stressed, down, and cripplingly moody I was during senior year of high school– that was a period of my life that brought so many good times that I could barely enjoy properly because everything else was so stressful and angering.

I think the one thing now that keeps nagging at me is how I want to talk/befriend/etc with this one dude that I’ve been crushing on for a hot while now, yet I haven’t seen him in a month and I don’t want to just hit him up on Snapchat and be like Hey we should hang out, because that seems… creepy and weird. I’m trying not to make it a big problem for myself though, because I keep telling myself that I should just let it all be and if we’re meant to be friends or… more than friends… then life will happen in its own time and I can’t just worry it all into happening right now.

I also realize that I should enjoy the single life while I have it, too, just because one of the girls who lives across from me broke up with her boyfriend a while before Halloween, and then got drunk on Halloween and started crying after saying that she missed him, but is now back together with him? And I’m not judging their relationship at all, but I don’t want/need that kind of turmoil in my life right now when I already get emotional easily anyway.

But also… I just… I don’t want to keep thinking about this any more than I already have (and I’ve thought about him A WHOLE FUCKING LOT, more than I have the right to do so because now it’s just getting weird) because… I don’t want to keep fantasizing or daydreaming if nothing is going to happen, which my roommate pointed out is kind of just me being afraid of rejection (which is true) but is also better for my sanity/emotional problems anyway because, well, I’m just going to say it: I’m insecure and as much as I want this boy to like me, I still don’t think it’s realistic because he’s nice to everyone and I’m so… plain and ordinary and I just don’t think it’s going to happen and I’m still really sad because in spite of my personal growth I still struggle to imagine that anyone I like in real life could ever like me back.

Sigh.

Big. Sigh.

But the biggest thing is that I’m trying not to be sad about this, because logically, I know it’s not the end of the world if THIS boy doesn’t like me. And… as much as I don’t want to give myself false hope, I’ll probably end up seeing him around later on just because we’re in the same major. AND, if we’re meant to be friends (which would already be really nice just because I genuinely enjoy his company and his wacko sense of humor), or more than friends (which… would be ideal for currently-crushin’-on-him me but) then I feel like the universe will ~make it happen~ so… I just need to sit back and chill and not feel so bad about it anymore.

So that’s that on that. If it’s meant to be… then I’ll just have to be patient, and wait for it to be. And if it’s not meant to be… I’ll be okay, too.

 

PS I bought a REALLY cute shirt at Target the other day for only $7, which is wild because the original price was $24. It’s red-and-black checkered, and has TWO pockets at the front (not that they’re super useful since they’re right over my boobs but pockets are always good) as well as slightly puffed sleeves and is p short (so my stomach peeks out, and if I raise my arms my stomach is exposed) but looks super duper nice. No regrets (or well, only a teeny tiny amount of them), even though I shouldn’t be buying too many more new articles of clothing, because I don’t own any red tops besides my school tees.

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