Today was a good day. Anxiety at a minimal. I felt worried a few times but not to the point of fighting down an attack. I did not make it out to get some air yesterday. I felt a bit bad about it but I did step out today. I had too. I had another pre employment health screening for the new job. Thank goodness my father decided to drive me there and back. I was so grateful to avoid the trains, plus I was able to mention a little bit about what I’ve been going through anxiety wise. He didn’t get it exactly. But fuck it – an ear is an ear and a loving ear at that.
My start date is next Monday. I am little freaked out about it. The newness. I’ve been trying to be intentional with my thoughts, trying to flip that anxiousness into a more excited outlook. I try to think about all the positives – the knowns. Closer to home, I no longer have to take the train. I can walk in nice weather, or if I had too. I can also take the bus that stops literally right in front of my complex. More money. My money management is pretty good from having to manage with such shitty pay at my old job. Now I’ll be able to put away more after rent and other bills. Schedule – it’s a 9-5 Monday – Friday. I am 31 and this is the first job I’ve had with a regular schedule like this. Health insurance – alot better than what I have now. I cant wait to get a new doctor, dentist, etc. Positives!
My dad said he worries about death too, with his pains and aches. He’s 61, with a young attitude and strong, a trades man at heart. He told me that he looks at it like this “If it’s my time it’s my time. What is worrying going to do. If the lord wants me who am I to question?” He’s right. Is worrying going to change my fate or take away from my quality of life while still here?
I was thinking about therapy today. I’ve tried it twice. The first time was around 2012. I was so irritated. I was talking about anxiety and panic attacks, and my childhood. The women, god bless her heart, was so teary eyed. I remember thinking “well shit now I feel bad.” She also spoke about visualization. This is what annoyed me. Anybody who has ever had a panic-attack knows that there is no way in hell you are going to begin visualizing palm trees and a beach in the midst of it. You can’t think, hear, see. At least that’s how it is for me. My second attempt was around 2014 – 2015. I went for about a year. That therapist had a very non expressive face, a lot easier to talk to. She had me going every week, and wanted to add group sessions. They also prescribed me pills, mood stabilizers which I never took because I was paranoid about possible side effects. They told me that I am quite possibly bi-polar II. After a while I just stopped going. I felt it wasn’t really helping. I know a few people who really benefit from therapy and medications. I basically said all this to really say that I’m considering giving it a another try. Once my new health insurance is active I think I will try to find one that fits me.
I want to start living again. Right now I am existing. I’ve been living my life like a check list. I guess to have more “control”. Who am I to go out an enjoy myself, what do I have to celebrate? Shitty job, my bachelors is still on hold, I refuse to get into another relationship until I have more to bring to the table etc etc. I think of all these ways to sabotage happiness. I overthink, and over-analyze, and over-calculate, and sure those traits have their benefits. A benefit is I am trouble shooter. I always believe that a thing can be fixed. But it also has it’s negatives, like not being able to turn those things off and just be. Like a leaf at the mercy of the wind, free. Free – the perfect word. I just want to be free of the current me. Shed, and emerge anew.
Well this was longer than intended.
Love & Light