Monday December 3rd

I have an appointment with Lisa at 5. It was a rough weekend. I cried Saturday a lot and some on Sunday. I am so depressed. I know the winter makes it worse. I am also a nervous wreck. I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t know if changing my medicine would help. I don’t know what else to do. I have been in this depression for 2 years. I can’t get better. I have tried everything I know to do to get better. They have given me add on medicines- Lithium, Wellbutrin, Abilify. None of them have helped at all. I am going to therapy, I am doing all the things I know that are supposed to help. If this is just how my life is going to be from now on, I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. I know the saying that death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it’s not seeming very temporary after 2 years of major depression. I wonder if my dad killed himself because he felt he was out of options. I think he had depression. He was proud and wouldn’t ask for help. I could absolutely believe he killed himself. I don’t know why I am such a mess. Saturday I really felt like I was losing it. I’m getting tired of all the be brave bullshit. I’m getting tired of being tough every day. I’ve made those reservations to go to New York, but now I don’t want to go. I don’t know that I will go. I hate myself. I hate my life. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of being alone all the time. I’m sick of fighting. I’m sick of toughing it out. 

Later…

I went to my appointment with Lisa. It did help some. I made an appointment with Heather for tomorrow to talk about meds. I don’t know what I need to be on, but what I’m taking now isn’t doing it. I cried some again today. I have got to get my focus on my new career plan. I can study the anatomy stuff and know it by the time classes start. I have to leave everything that has happened prior to TODAY behind me. If it is in the past, it doesn’t matter. Lisa said that I have to be enough reason to live. I have to be enough for myself. That’s a tough one for me, but I will work on it. 

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