Testing, Testing…1..2…well shit…


That was my brain. 

PRETTY sure the universe it trying it’s damnedest to test me right now. 

Forget for a moment that it is the holiday season and that is one of the most stressful times of year ANYWAY. Now add in the normal “I have 3 kids and a full time job” stress. Followed by the “My ex is a douchebag and lives with me and won’t leave” stress. Compound THAT with the fact Jerry is not doing so well and I’m feeling bad about leaving him. Oh, and let’s add in buying a house to the mix, because, why the fuck not? 

Yeap, still Soccer team Manager.

Yeap, still got bills to pay like everyone else. 

Yeap, still wanna spend time with my kids.

Yeap, still have to cook and clean and do laundry. 

Yesterday I was so annoyed when I got home. After work the kids and I drove all over the county. I picked up an area rug for the girls new bedroom, then drove to south county to look at a pull out love seat. I was all set to buy it when the guy tells me I’d have to carry it- myself-down to my van from a 3rd story apartment. When I explain to him that that just won’t be possible he starts chastising me and telling me how I need to hire a moving company. 

I told him good luck and left. 

So by the time I got home, through rush hour traffic, I was defeated. And there, in the sink are all the dishes Michael and James generated throughout the day…waiting for me. 

I very NOISILY pointed them out to Jerry and very loudly stated “These boys are going to have a rude awakening here very soon. The maid isn’t going to be around much longer to clean all this up for them.” 

No sooner did I walk out of the room and suddenly Michael is in the kitchen doing the dishes. 

Jerry has been very sluggish lately. I honestly don’t think he’s much longer for this world. He sleeps most of the day away. Some of it is likely depression, but I have seen this in the elderly plenty of times. They just start sleeping all the time, and eventually just die. I know he is taking a lot of pain meds, then he has Michael giving him uppers. He’g going to just give himself a heart attack. I called him just a short time ago to remind him to take his meds. He’s been forgetting a lot lately to take them. 

He’s actually forgetting A LOT of things lately. 

Another sign of the impending dirt nap. 

I give it a year. 

It’ll be so sad when he is gone. But this is WHY i know I need to get into my own place. Once he goes it’s going to be a shit show. He doesn’t have his affairs in order and Michael is going to be acting a fool. I need to get out of dodge, and most importantly, get my kids out of dodge. 

I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m so stressed out I wake up a lot at night. And I’ve been dreaming. I NEVER dream. But every night this week I’ve waken up from weird dreams. 

I got my approval from the mortgage company. They are just requesting some additional info, not sure yet what that is. The appraiser was at the house today. 

My anxiety is through the ROOF today!

My little one has an ear infection. I’ve had her on antibiotics since Friday but I don’t think they are working. She is having tons of drainage from the ear and it’s hurting her so much. I have a training tonight so I can’t get her to the Dr. I considered cancelling, but I thought I’ll give the antibiotics one more day. If she is still a mess tomorrow I’ll take her in after school. 

The oldest is going to have to miss soccer tonight so I can go to this meeting. I feel bad. He’s missed so much practice this season with that injury and now I’m making his miss. But I NEVER get a chance to get this training in, and this is the final part I need to be able to claim my bonus next year! I have to do it. We all have to sacrifice. 

Grandpa is supposed to be watching the kids while I’m gone tonight. I was loud enough when I made those arrangements that I’m hopeful Michael will also be there. Together they can’t screw it up THAT bad….right? 

This is why I haven’t done this until now. Because I’m always so worried about leaving the kids….

The stress is killing me. I’m going to need to take an Ativan. 

Calm my ass down so I don’t stroke out. 

It’ll all work out.

I know it will. 

I just have to get there….

One thought on “Testing, Testing…1..2…well shit…”

  1. The stress sucks, when do you get to move in to the new house? Hope that the ear infection clears up and her pain goes away, hope your training goes well, take care.

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