The Beginning

Its been about 12 years since I last wrote in an online diary. I wrote one from 2001-2006 and it canvassed such a large scope of my life, my adolescence. A time of great pain and frustration that I wish I could go back to sometimes so I could see where I got my ideas from and where the pain all began.  To say a little more I am currently being held by my old friends, depression and anxiety, over the loss of my father. Our relationship was complicated but only the last 10 years of it. Prior to ground zero he was my superhero. The only man (other than my kids) that I would have gladly taken a bullet for. I wanted to shield him from pain and be what he needed me to be because he was what I needed. Somewhere along the line the signals got crossed and I found myself in a constant state of disgust and anger….but mostly because I felt like I couldnt understand why me and why I had to feel dirty afterwards like it was my choice. But i digress (slightly) the path to my healing, let me rephrase….the path to healing a lifetime of held pain…begins by identifying the key emotions…the ones now that I cant understand except through the anger I feel in having to deal with it. I dont know. I quite literally meant to sit here and pour my heart on this thing and yet again my mind is pulled to plan for this battle I plan to have that Ill probably never have lol 

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