Wednesday December 5th

I saw Heather yesterday and she prescribed Ritalin. I have been reading online that stimulants are sometimes used for treatment resistant depression. I took a half of a pill yesterday at about 3:00, and I do think it made me feel a bit perkier. I met Noah for dinner last night. I felt a little more positive. I haven’t taken any yet this morning. It’s 9:03. I still was able to sleep fine without taking anything. I am hoping this will be the magic bullet that helps me get better. My brain chemistry is a goddam wreck. People without these issues don’t realize how lucky they are just to have typical brain chemistry. I completely understand why people kill themselves. Especially if they are not seeking help- or if they don’t know that the cause of their depression is a chemical imbalance. You feel so completely hopeless. I have faith in the scientific community that there is a drug out there that can help me. I do believe that. Sometimes, though, the depression just gets such a hold on you and you feel so, so bad, you just want to give up. Just say fuck it. 

I am going to go to New York tomorrow and see my friends. I also bought a ticket to see Bethany’s friend in his show while I’m there. I need to get my stuff together today that I’m taking. I need to get John’s stuff together to take to Noah’s. I am going to get my nails done today. 

Greg’s sister sent me a message on FB yesterday. I really love her and I want us to be friends. I love him so much, but I am not going to ever text or message him again. I will respond if he ever contacts me, but I won’t initiate it ever again. I am going to focus on my future. He is my past. I have to pack up the past and forget about it. 

When I get back from New York, I am going to look into joining the Y. I need to start exercising again. I know 100% that it helps my depression, it’s just so hard to get going. 

I am way better today than I was this weekend. Ritalin has given me some hope to cling to that I might be able to get better. 

Later, that same day…

It’s now 4:41pm. I’ve had a great day. I studied my lab for my bio class next semester. I went and got my nails done for my trip tomorrow. I feel – dare I say it?? good??? Crazy that a medication can have such a tremendous impact. I have taken 3 1/2 tablets of Ritalin today, so that was 10mgs each dose. I can take, per my prescription, up to 3 20 mg doses a day. I don’t know if I will need it- maybe after my body starts getting used to the med, I may need more. I feel like I have energy and I am looking forward to my trip now. I was thinking about cancelling and not going last week. I am so much better than I was then. I think the Ritalin is tamping down the depression. I have not had any trouble eating- sadly. ha. I still ate lunch and I’ve felt like eating- maybe not as much, but I’m still eating. I need to lose about 20 pounds. I have gained weight since I’ve been off work. I may try to join the gym when I get back from my trip. I also may try ballet classes! 

3 thoughts on “Wednesday December 5th”

  1. Hi, hope this isn’t weird, but I was just poking around the website seeing if I wanted to sign up and your profile came up on the home page. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic, among many other things. I’m currently starting to deal with my PTSD, anxiety and depression through therapy. I just wanted to reach out and let you know you’re not alone, there are others of us out here. Also, I tend to use the motto just keep swimming on the regular 🙂

  2. Phyllis, thanks so much for reading my journal entry. I have kept a journal since I was in high school. I started writing online with the hope that by making my thoughts/struggles public, it would provide some help to other ACA’s. It also helps me a lot when I receive encouraging comments to my posts. We were given so much to deal with as children, the healing process is a long and arduous one, but you can do it! I “just keep swimming” every day- even on the days when I can’t do much more than breathe.

  3. I love your journal entries. They’re so authentic and sincere. ” Just Keep Swimming” is a dope motto for people who are drowning in the hectic world from past traumas. The healing process a lot of individuals don’t understand how to cope with or fight the process. It’s so hard but ” JUST KEEP SWIMMING” will keep these beautiful soul’s from drowning.

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