free but subconsciously trapped

The year 2018 is slowly coming to an end and I don not feel as though I have accomplished anything spectacular in any sort of way. My energy dramatically decreased nearing the end. I still don’t know who I am meant to be even with the website. I have an idea of what needs to be done but still holding a grudge with the system that I always thought was on my side.

It has been quite an eye opening 2018. I learnt that I am the hidden enemy to the people that surround me. My way of doing things impacts them greatly yet I always feel the need to defend myself even when deemed unnecessary.

It’s quite eye opening knowing how easy it is to get into prison and that didn’t haunt me until last week Friday when I entered times in a book I didn’t work for. I got the phone call abruptly and was immediately stripped of my position. I have absolutely no idea what is to come of me but know that I’d have to face the consequences either way.

I know that I should follow my dream of being a Fitness coach but Accounting keeps me stable. It’s hard not knowing who I am. Heck, some days I get PTSD just being around men cause I can’t relate to them or when I do it just comes off to strong or when I do they tend to be way older or two years younger. This hasn’t happened before.

I’m so stunted in life. My sister is passing me by quickly in academics but I really do think that I was given the shorter end of the stick. The true me is held comfortably inside my system, away from the ridicule of the outside world.

Do I think of myself as selfish? Absolutely not. Do I think that I am at this entitlement stage? Absolutely yes. I’ve come to realize that my aura greatly lifts or lowers people without me even realizing it which sucks because other people are not my responsibility. I just came to do work.

But then again, I must give off the impression that I am worthy of being lied by everyone else even when I have the best times with my own company. UGGGGH!

I honestly can’t wait to leave home with my self sufficiency. I’d rather independence over dependence any day. Why do I need a relationship when mental health is far more important. Besides, have you any idea of the sexually transmitted diseases going around? Sorry, no thank you. My trust bears a limit.

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