war with myself

I feel like im at war wirh myself. i want to be me again. to care about ppl to like ppl, n the world to be as my dad used to say Richard Simmons on steroids. Richard is awesome, hes so caribg living n compassionate more ppl shoyld be that way.

For years Ive wanted to jyst stop caring so much so i dont get hurt, but I cant seem to do it, i can apprantly stop caring about myself. My depression is really bad like the dr jyst changed my meds n they still aren’t working. ugh. If i didnt have my wonderful blue heeler to cuddle wirh n take out often Id never get out of bed. 

im not suicidal or ronanticizing death, i just want to stop feeling like crap, like ppl are only nice to me fuz they feel sorry for me or want something from me. Im starting to hate men again n even ppl in general so sick of hearing how nice i am n what a good heart i have n how pretty i am n how fun i am to be around. Bullshit been single 12 yrs same as always i like a guy he lets me think he likes me too then turns out to be in love with someone else. Ppl dont go out their way to check ob me save for a couple of em,but then tell me we tell u we can come get u to visit you just dont call us. well phone goes birh ways most my freinds have cars i dont.  no money to get one or keep up payments etc. i always have to call them n go to their house n be at their mercy of when they want to take me home, n many of them dont get my aniexty gets to me after a while n i just want to go home. i want freinds but am hating ppl, want to date but am afraid to be hurt again…. i want to care about myself n be like everyone else seems to be all about me me me, n mine. i want to be self centerd n self absorbed but when i try to act that way ppl criticize me for it n make me feel guilty fml.

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