Dear diary: I’m tired of this

     I like this guy from work.  He’s a nice guy, kinda a jerk at times but he still made me fall for him. Hard. I haven’t felt this way about a guy in years. I wanna say I’m happy about it but tonight he’s made me cry for the 2nd time now. We aren’t even together. I’ve been single for basically 7 years. I have this rule to never fall for a guy that goes to the same school or at work to avoid this problem. It’ll complicate things & I won’t be able to avoid them. I try to be viewed as a strong independent women but yeah, I don’t like confrontation. I’m fragile on the inside.

     It all started when I got a promotion at work & had to transfer. New environment, new ppl, new chances, new experiences. I was excited & nervous for this change. I thought I was going through this easy peasy lemon squeezy. But nope, he had to be there. I wasn’t looking for love, at work at least. We talked once in awhile until he very subtlety got my number. A text every few days turn until texting once a day within a few weeks to now texts everyday asking how our day was. Encouraging messages. Conversations about anime, life experiences & even stuff I don’t care for but I’d learn about it just so I could hold a conversation with him. He instantly gained my trust when we first went to the club & I blacked out. He took care of me.

     I wanna say that’s when it started but I’m not even sure at this point anymore. They say you don’t look for love, it just happens. I don’t wanna say I love him but I do have strong feelings for him. We’d spend nights together getting ice cream or at a tea shop just talking about work, our traumas, our problems at home. I would fall for him even more after listening to what he had to go through to get to this point in his life. Just the look of pain in his eyes, I wanted to support him. I wanted to be his rock. I wanted to be the person he went to, I would just listen to him cuz I know that’s all he wanted. Someone to listen. To care about him. I know he’s gone through stuff & ppl advise me to just be there for him, eventually he’ll come around. But it feels like are we just good friends?

     A girl at work talks to him & he “told her” that he likes me. You don’t know how much that made me happy. That was right after the 1st time he made me cry. She said he hasn’t made a move cuz he wasn’t confident. He felt like he wasn’t good enough for me but isn’t that for me to decide? He wanted to wait until he got a new job so he could “support” me. Having not been with someone in years, this point in my life, I just want love,  support and attention. I don’t want his money but I guess it’s just a thing in his race that they do.  I should’ve ignored her & given up on him then. But it’s too late now. I honestly like him too deeply now that it hurts.

     So let’s go to last weekend. He goes clubbing with his friend. Some other chick was supposed to go but flaked. I didn’t care cuz I was confident he liked me & guys can have female friends. He was finally going to start work at his new job! I’m thinking yes he’ll make his move soon, financially stable out the way. We go get tea the night before his first day so he could get rid of some gidders. We sat outside until midnight just talking again of all he had to go through to get that job. I hug him bye but I noticed he didn’t hug me properly. It was a side hug. Maybe he was nervous, I didn’t think too much about it until now. I sent him encouraging texts everyday, he’d text me during his lunch break. I think, yes get him in the habit into thinking “see this is what it’d be like if we were in a strong supportive relationship.” I even got my first “how was your day” text. It rained hard on Thursday. He called me right as he got home from almost losing his car. I’ve never heard him so frantic before. Doing the gf role, I listened & reassured him. Fucking idiot, looking all attentive & shit. Sent him a gf text saying I’m glad he’s safe & I’ll be there if he needed anything, he won’t get through it alone. Ok so what triggered me to cry.

     The day after the last time we went clubbing, he asked if I wanted to see this one dj. That was last night. He hasn’t message me anything about it all week. The blue dress I had planned was beautiful. It even came earlier than planned. I thought omg God is on my side! I was ready to straighten my hair cuz he said I should do it more often. The weekend before we had talked about what we’d like to see the opposite sex wear on date night, hanging out & dressing up. Dude I went through my check so fast buying clothes & shoes that he’d say he’d like to see. But of course only things I know I can pull off. I ain’t no twig bitch but I have been slimming down in the right places 😉 AGAIN. FUCKING IDIOT. No texts other than his car lives to ride another day. I’m thinking ok no clubbing, maybe arguing with his parents or out just drinking with the guys. Whatever there will be other times. I’m at home just chatting with my mom & sis about growing up & finally wanting to dress more girly & not in anime/band t-shirts all the time. I was about to tell them about the guy & that he was the reason for the sudden change. Thank God I didn’t. Dude texts me that the club was packed. This motherfucker went without me. I know he has bad memory sometimes but last week he asked me last minute to go with him. What the fuck dude! Then he sends a video of him at the club with his friend & another chick! Dafuck! Bitch was hugging him too. Bro I was so fucking raged. I was more mad that he forgot about me than the chick. He wanted me to meet his female friends before, I thought “yeeeees make me blend into your life more.” So now I’m here. Been up since 3 trying to see who I can text or call to vent but b/c of my awkwardness & anxiety I didn’t have the courage to text anyone. I cried a bit. Started writing here & it helped a little.

     It is now 5:23am, I think imma stay strong. Luckily he doesn’t work today at our job. Gives me time to compose myself until Sunday. Again thank God I open & he closes. Hopefully it’s busy so it doesn’t give him a chance to talk to me & imma leave without saying bye to him. Fuck him. If he does like me, he better work for it now . I’m not supposed to cry over a man, baka (idiot in Japanese)! If he doesn’t, well then time to pull back all the gf privileges. Sorry buddy, I don’t need another male friend.

     If you read all this, thanks. Sorry for any grammar issues. I think imma continue to do this dear diary series. I have social anxiety so it’s hard for me to just text friends cuz they either don’t text back or I feel like I’m an inconvenience. I don’t tell my family cuz I’m tired of telling them about a guy then nothing happens. I wanted to tell them good news that I won’t die alone, at that point in my life. I know some days I’ll hate him, but knowing me, I know he’ll pull the smallest gesture & I’ll go running back. Sorry again for being an idiot. If it works out, maybe I’ll show him this series so he sees what he put me through. If not, y’all got entertained & I’ll look back at these thinking how much I’ve grown. Wish me luck. 

 

I’ll end these with a song title for my current mood

Flowers by ASTN

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