my first love… we met in school. he lived a stone’s throw away from my house. i felt like it was destiny. we were meant to be! it was written in the stars!!!!! i was head over heals- this was one of the first people who showed me attention and validated me. he had me wrapped around this little finger. and then began 2 years of hell lol. he was a textbook narcissist! he through every single trick he could at me and it worked. i was broken down, destroyed.. i had lost my whole identity. but i was in love~SO madly, desperately in love.
finally i left
i was free from your manipulation and abuse. there is 2yr worth of detail but u know i don’t have time for that lol
BUT HERE’S THE TEA, SIS
i’ve never felt love with another man. there’s been a few that were salt of the earth, wonderful, genuine men, who gave me nothing but their absolute adoration. but still, i never felt love like i did for you.
maybe it was the chaos and the passion that comes from an abusive relationship. it was a wild roller coaster and i was strapped in for the ride like weeeeeee go faster go!!!! lol (the makeup s*x was something else) the drama is something you can get roped into, you know?
maybe it’s because i’ve only known chaotic love. i’ve never seen a stable relationship
maybe it’s because i HATE MYSELF SO MUCH that i think this is the only kind of “love” i deserve
how do i even go about changing this aspect of my personality?????? like that’s way beyond what a therapist can do.
and i don’t want to entangle any more men/women into the chaos that is me.
anyway lol i’ll figure it out later ¯\_(ツ)_/¯