my abuser was my only love~let’s deep dive~

my first love… we met in school. he lived a stone’s throw away from my house. i felt like it was destiny. we were meant to be! it was written in the stars!!!!! i was head over heals- this was one of the first people who showed me attention and validated me. he had me wrapped around this little finger. and then began 2 years of hell lol. he was a textbook narcissist! he through every single trick he could at me and it worked. i was broken down, destroyed.. i had lost my whole identity. but i was in love~SO madly, desperately in love. 

finally i left

i was free from your manipulation and abuse. there is 2yr worth of detail but u know i don’t have time for that lol


i’ve never felt love with another man. there’s been a few that were salt of the earth, wonderful, genuine men, who gave me nothing but their absolute adoration. but still, i never felt love like i did for you. 

maybe it was the chaos and the passion that comes from an abusive relationship. it was a wild roller coaster and i was strapped in for the ride like weeeeeee go faster go!!!! lol (the makeup s*x was something else) the drama is something you can get roped into, you know?

maybe it’s because i’ve only known chaotic love. i’ve never seen a stable relationship

maybe it’s because i HATE MYSELF SO MUCH that i think this is the only kind of “love” i deserve

how do i even go about changing this aspect of my personality?????? like that’s way beyond what a therapist can do. 

and i don’t want to entangle any more men/women into the chaos that is me. 

anyway lol i’ll figure it out later ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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