Fat and sad.

Went to the doctors last tuesday, i thought i was doing well and for the most part i am,my chart is going back to semi normal and i have to admit i was feeling good about myself until my fiery Chilean doctor started to yell at me,Do i want to die? would i allow someone i cared about to do this to themselves !?!?!? WTF did i do i was wondering until she proceeded to tel me my weight has gone up yet again.fuck…..

 Again i thought i was making progress,i cut the majority of the bad shit i was eating out of  my diet,tried to limit my weakness a.k.a bread and sweets and added more protein and veggies. but the scale dosen’t lie. i was the big  fat girl in my child hood and now im the big girl in my adult life, ive constantly struggled with my weight.My highest was 351lbs and that was in my late teens and now im at my highest since, 262 lbs is what the docs old balance scale said, yes all the nurses say its off but still… (mine says 258,like it matters) i hate myself. 

Emotional eating was and still is a problem for me. its a quick fix just like a cigarette,drink,or bump takes the edge off for everyone else. for awhile i was good my early 20’s i started working and becoming more active and i didnt realize it but the the weight started coming of and i added a gym membership to the mix and i didnt realize that i lost enough weight to equal another person. it felt good and for the longest time i was able to stay at around 220, was it still alot? yes but at 6’1 i looked and felt good, I was a damn amazon! another 20/25 pounds and wow i could really be happy and then 2017 arrived and broke me down harder then id ever imagined.

July came and i had a emergency spinal fusion, i spent two weeks in the hospital, i finally broke my goal of being under 220, i hit 216 lbs (hospital food is bland and healthy and i was to doped to eat) and it was miserable. what they tell you about post surgery is that while your going to fine,its gonna take along ass while to move forward.Its a year and a half later and im still not close to the person i was. complications happened and im blessed i can walk but theirs permanent nerve damage in my feet and one foot has dead nerves which give me a limp, im constantly tired and i cant stand long without the aches and pains of a cross country runner when in reality all i do is walk around wal mart…  Laying in bed with my comfort cheetos while i fused  and letting depression soak in about my let downs that followed added  40 lbs more to my now “re enforced” frame. 

Im depressed and i do errands and whats needed and i come home tired from the basics. my nerves in my back go into spasms and the muscles in my feet are taught and painful. i just want to lay down and wait for everything inside me to stop going haywire. while i lay there i put myself in a funk. im 32 going over the good parts of my life that have passed and i become sad and hurt and more then i dont want to say. hours go by and then its to late or to cold or i just dont want to get up and go into the gym, i dont want everyone to stare and see the big tall gimp  girl. I let me get in my own way. 

Chilean doc gave me prescription appetite suppression pills with an “upside” they can enhance my mood for the better. and while i think  thats a plus  what if my moods messed up to begin with? side effects ? im need to try more for myself , i can fix everyone else but its hard fixing me.

2 thoughts on “Fat and sad.”

  1. My aunt couldn’t lose weight fasting for 2 days straight, brought her to tears. It was hard to watch especially with no answers to give. Recently she went to a thyroid doctor and found all of her metabolic hormones were out of wack and she had a tumor growing in her thyroid. She’s lost a lot of weight sense then and she doesn’t have to starve herself anymore either. Don’t know if you’ll see this but if you haven’t visited a thyroid doctor yet, maybe you might experience the same success mu aunt did.

  2. Thank you for the advice,it means alot. I have had my thyroid checked and its fine, it’s more of depression and physical ability to move around with my spinal fusion. But I’m going to work on it.

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