This morning I woke up in a bad funk. I’ve been having a great time with my family, my boyfriend, and even catching up with some of my high school friends whom are all back. But I can’t nor do I ever want to forget about my best friend, Stacey. I am reminded by her constantly because Christmas was her favorite time of the year. She loved everything about it. And I reminisce about the time she was happiest; she loved baking Christmas cookies and pies, she loved decorating, she had so many trees in her house it was crazy. She was my only real true friend, and it might sound harsh or rude to say something like that knowing fully well I do have great friends I’ve made in college in boulder, at berkeley, and even some of my hometown childhood friends. But Stacey was my best friend, she was the one person that I could call at 4AM and ask her for anything, not including my family of course. I loved her so much, like if she was my sister. She was my very best friend, and I never got to tell her how much I valued her friendship. In the end I couldn’t even reach her, she was so shut off from everyone.
I think about how her family must be suffering, especially at the end of this month. Having to enter this new year without her. Without her baby. It breaks my heart. I almost feel guilty when I find myself having too much fun with my family and my love, knowing she never can.
I can’t even bring myself to visit her grave, I fall apart every time.
I’m a coward. I’m too scared to stand there.
All I can do is remember her smile, and the face she would make when she would cry. I wonder what she wanted to name her baby, and what her son would have looked like. If she even fought back at the end. Its all so fucked up.
I play this around over and over in my head and it keeps me up at night to think how in the world a girl like her ended up with a man like him. I can’t grasp it. I still feel blindsided by it all. Even her mother…….she never understood, not even in the end.
Today I’ve been very depressed, I try to hide it but I can never hide my emotions from Ayato. He can see right through me. And I don’t want to be sad or depressed while he’s here, because he’s leaving back to Tokyo after New Years, and I’m lucky to have the time of all my favorite people surrounding me. But I did tell him I was sad because I was thinking about Stacey, and he just picks me up like a baby and takes me to the bed and cuddles me. Tells me its ok to feel blue and that we can spend time together even if its just cuddling and taking a nap. He says we can share all of the good and the bad, and to not feel guilty for being a good person. I love this man!
After dinner I called Stacey’s mom, to wish her a merry Christmas, and ask her how she was doing. She tells me that Stacey’s father is having a very bad time, he’s become extremely depressed since the beginning of the month. He even put up all of Stacey’s trees and favorite decorations, to remember her. He bought a small tree to honor her baby. But he’s been going to therapy and is starting to come around. He’s doing a lot better now, he had stopped talking for almost a month, he’s doing so much better now. I know its just Christmas time that is crushing them. Stacey’s mom says that she’s been the rock in the family. But surprisingly her husband, Stacey’s older brothers and sisters, and she have all gotten closer as a family now. They are all spending Christmas and New Years together. And even though its a tough time for them, they are united as a family and its been all the difference in the world to them.
I felt better after talking to her. Its weird, she ended up easing my tension and nerves. I feel at ease now that I’ve spoken to her.
Afterwards I fell asleep on Ayato while we were watching Netflix, he fell asleep too, and he woke up like an hour later because his back was all cramped up, I couldn’t stop laughing. I needed that.