After over a year I come back to you. Nothing better, nothing worse.
Well no I take that back. I have a job. I still feel the chain around my neck dragging me down deeper and deeper.
Friends say “reach out to me! i’ll be there.” Of course you will but I love you too much to let you inside my fucked up head and drag you down too.
I’m fine with the mask I wear. Normal and perfectly vanilla. There’s nothing wrong, I’m fine. I’m just tired. I just have a headache. Nah work was just busy. Smile. Just keep fucking smiling. You can do this.
Inside the tumultuous waves of emotion take over me. Screaming and trying to take a breath before I sink under again. You would never know because I’m smiling. I don’t want you to know I’m slowly unraveling inside.
Nightmares. Fuck Nightmares. Fuck the dreams I wake up from that are happy. The cold reality as cold as my first steps are getting out of bed.
I simply exist. I survive. I used to fight but what’s the point. I just want to fall asleep and stay asleep. For that I’m selfish.