Keep telling myself

He doesn’t love me 

he doesn’t care 

he doesn’t care to get to know any other side of me.  He doesn’t want to know more about me.  What I like. What I like to listen to.  Where I like to go.  What I like to watch.  What I like to do.  He just doesn’t.  What chance did I ever have.  He won’t wven let me love him.  And now I’m afraid to in certain ways.  Holding back.  He doesn’t even know. And if I let him see something different good things.  When I’m better and he realizes then. Then what? I wasn’t good enough then? Or will he be stubborn forever and never let himself feel anything for me.   Or maybe he just doesn’t and he doesn’t see what I see.  Not just in myself but both of us.  And us together.    It’s sad and hard to let go of.  But I’m tired of trying.   I just want to give up on him and disappear from his life. He won’t even try.  Sometimes I get so sad about thinking what he would treat me like if he was really in love with me.  And remember that moment when he said fine let’s do it. Let’s just be together.   How dare him say that to me dammit.  Times like last night when I’m comfortable and smiling and laughing and he’s smiling.  And my heart is beating fast and doesn’t feel so empty and broken.   Why is it so bad that I want to be around him?  I just want to go places with him and explore and experience. I wish I could ask him. If I did it and I weren’t around anymore. If I ended myself. And you had theses messages that was just me wanting to do things with you. And you telling me not to love you so much and not to smile and goof off.  Wouldn’t you wish you would’ve goofed off with me more? If I were dead? Would you still just want to be alone? And not wish I was there bugging you? Would you think about me crying alone in my room and tell yourself you could’ve just came in and grabbed me and hugged me some more.  If I was just a lost puppy looking to be loved would you think you should’ve loved me more?   And if any of those answers are yes.  Than why do you only feel that way after I am dead?  

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