One of many inadequacies.

I want to find a way to make an internally consistent rational psychological stance that allows me to keep strong in the face of those that hate me and my beliefs. Those that bring out words like: brainwashed, indoctrinated, mind control, stupid, irrational, unsupported, cognitive dissonance, and others against me and my beliefs. But, I can’t, I’m not as smart as them. I’ve heard amazingly well thought out answers, internally consistent, well thought out, rational, impressive peices proving at the very least relativity.

But I don’t hear those voices very often, they are few and far between. I constantly hear the other side though, I don’t even look for them anymore and they find me. In the news, in entertainment, in media, even in books nowadays.

That’s why I want the power to think my point of view into legitimacy on my own. But I can’t, I’m not smart enough, I never could compare to them, to anyone. They are right I am stupid, but they’re wrong about one thing, joining their side won’t make me suddenly more intelligent. Maybe in the eyes of them and their peers, but not internally, no, I could no more defend their perspective than my own. Regurgitate their arguments maybe, but none from my own head.

I pray I will someday be able to defend what I believe to be true. I pray that If I ever can it is in a kind and loving manner that would only be for the benefit of the listener. I pray that even if that doesn’t happen that I’ll be able to hold on, even barely and keep my covenants, and hopefully be changed to the selfless person I wish to be. Until that time, if ever.

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