11th jan 19 / 23.40 / mayak
Observation number one – I am in a better state now then I was pre surgery and pre resting. I feel like I am my priority and that includes protecting myself from the inner judgment, inner rush and overthinking. Cause lets be honest, those only cause stress and don’t help productivity. What helps – is asking myself every hour – what can I do right now to make my life or myself a better version of me. I finally payed out some version of sim content plan for instagram and although it might not be perfect or maybe even confusing for some – i feel no doubts, as if by making mistakes I’ll make it better. Speaking about the tattoo work – work in progress. I’ll try to draw a couple of new designs and see how it makes me feel. Perhaps thats the best way. In the end, whats the point in doing something I don’t enjoy? Its just pressure.
Observation number two – walking without headphones in tube, not worried about what other ppl r doing, feeling grounded. In a way, I am starting to think that the issue in my stress and feeling like “rushing but always being late” lays in the comparison game and people pleasing. At least in many ways it is. At least for me. And even though I am not quite on the level I want to in terms of vulnerability, authenticity, intuition and justdoit mindsets, I am in a great healthy state. Also, I think massage helps! Since I can’t workout. And taking it easy on social media also helps.
Observation number three – saw Anta’s profile today. I am proud of her. Thought for a moment that she stepped away from arts but she is blossoming. I admire how brave she is about just creating or posting whatever’s on her mind – that is how it should be. As a result, ppl alike her turn into her friends, followers, real fans. Thats what I wish for too, although I am not so sure what ind of ppl would want me or how to open up completely without covering up imperfections with shades of pink.
Observation number four – the is something about art that keeps me away from creating physical pieces. I would always feel it but I could never explain what I feel or why. Keeping piles of sketches with thousands of scratched pages in them – always felt heavy. It must have been my unconsciousness working when I threw away the art pieces I didn’t love much. I remember how Ann thought I am crazy for it. And I thought I did it cause I felt ashamed of the works that weren’t great. But in the end – just like in minimalism, I kept only what I loved to free some space. Another thing is – u have to keep scratching piles and piles of material to master this visual craft. There is no other way. It can be a 10 mile canvas, a 20 metre wall, an a5 piece of paper or a human size canvas – but all those are the platforms. And I am not so sure that I love the feeling of creating more an more staff, small percentage of which was actually worth it. I also realised, that paining of walls/buildings/existing clothes and human skin – is a way to avoid creating heavy piers of art that take space. Of course, even in tattoo – I need to use some paper, tracing paper, tape and other materials. But! I don’t need to keep pieces of paper piling up in my closed – I only need a couple of great shots of tattoo on my client, to keep in the cloud for portfolio. Same with buildings, walls and excising items. The only issue – toxic materials. Like : buckets of paint, huge brushes etc. Photography btw is waste free! No wonder I gravitate…