I have an appointment with Lisa today. I am supposed to volunteer at the hospital today, too. I know it’s better that I have something to do today, but on days that I have something to do, I don’t even look forward to it. I am a complete mess. Complete. My classes start next week. I don’t know how I’ve gotten so bad off. I feel like I am losing my mind. I cried a lot yesterday. I have no doubt that I am mentally ill. I am doing all the things I’m supposed to do to get better. I am taking mediation, I am seeing a therapist, but I am still circling the drain. I think maybe I should have kept working. It’s too late now. Why is it that every choice I make is the wrong one? Every fucking choice I make. I am losing my mind. I am miserable every second I’m awake. My son is a mess and I don’t know how to help him. I hate myself so much. Why do I have to be like this? Why can’t I be normal?
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."