Friday January 11th

I have an appointment with Lisa today. I am supposed to volunteer at the hospital today, too. I know it’s better that I have something to do today, but on days that I have something to do, I don’t even look forward to it. I am a complete mess. Complete. My classes start next week. I don’t know how I’ve gotten so bad off. I feel like I am losing my mind. I cried a lot yesterday. I have no doubt that I am mentally ill. I am doing all the things I’m supposed to do to get better. I am taking mediation, I am seeing a therapist, but I am still circling the drain. I think maybe I should have kept working. It’s too late now. Why is it that every choice I make is the wrong one? Every fucking choice I make. I am losing my mind. I am miserable every second I’m awake. My son is a mess and I don’t know how to help him. I hate myself so much. Why do I have to be like this? Why can’t I be normal? 

2 thoughts on “Friday January 11th”

  1. It is ok to not be ok. My wife and I joined AFSP and helping others really feels good even though I feel my life is a mess as well. Alot of things are not that big, but school is a big drain on time and money, I am working on my masters, luckily, I plan it out so it is one class at a time, even though I am full time. All I can recommend is plan, plan everything. Google calendar changed my life.
    Also watch less TV, no one is normal, there is no normal only what is scripted, can you believe “reality tv” is scripted? Call in the friends and circle the wagons, if you are in crisis, treat it that way and get help. I have been following you on here, and I know you will be ok.

  2. You will be okay. I guess you ask me how do I know. You are writing your thoughts down for us to read. You must also remember you don’t even know you are helping others by writing down your thoughts. I too am feeling like where do I go from here. I read your journal entry and it made me feel, yes feel that we as humans feel so deeply about our expectations for ourselves. I always have to remember if I just think positive and fight the negative that keeps pushing at me to get away from me. It goes away. Try walking and holding your head up high and saying I’m good. I’m good and little by little it will become better. Even if a tear comes down while you hold your head up, it’s okay. That’s the pain leaving as you think what you want your moment to be like. Thoughts become things. Think it and it will come to be. Go take a walk and only focus on the positive. Oh, yes, the negative will pop up here and there, but keep pushing it away and think into your mind what you want things to be. It will happen for you. It will be good. It will be better. Much love

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