Anti-climax

Having taught many writing classes/workshops, the importance of a climax is impressed indelibly on my mind.  But as I learned once, in realistic stories, the climax is complex.  It might rather be a settling in.  The stone is thrown into the calm pond.  The ripples reach every corner, but eventually, everything settles back to the stillness.  It may look like the same pond, but the stone is there and always will be.
 
Chemo’s over.  Hurray!  But in some ways I feel like the stone has just been tossed in and I have no idea how far reaching the effects will be.  Yesterday my oncologist told me the results of the MRI.  The tumor is gone.  No cancer.  There is a lymph node that has some thickening, but the radiologist suspects it’s just reacting to something else.  It was honestly anti-climactic.  I went in already knowing the results.  God told me the cancer would be gone and it was.  I suppose, knowing that, my mind has already moved onto the next set of challenges.  Surgery on Tuesday to take out the area around where the tumor used to be as well as a few lymph nodes (just in case), then a few weeks break, then radiation for a month, and then a year of targeted therapy.  Remember me the control freak?  God’s slowly changing me.  I’m slowly letting go.  Thinking too far ahead, thinking of all the various scenarios – that’s how I used to be, but I’m slowly changing.  Focus on just the next step, Hingdi, and trust God!
 
I see that as God has been healing physically, he’s also working on my heart.  I never realized I had so many problems until I had this time to stop and listen to him.  Anxiety/control, unforgiveness, and anger – he’s been healing me in those areas in particular.  It’s funny, but I think God healing me in those areas is far more miraculous than the cancer leaving.  Those who know me well know I’m the queen of unforgiveness.  In the past I used to say it’s my personality.  I’m fiercely loyal and expect that from my friends, so when I feel betrayed, it’s nearly impossible for me to forgive.  But now I see it’s just sin, it’s bondage.  And God set me free by his love and it feels so good!
 
You know when a song perfectly expresses how you feel?  This is it for me right now:
 
Here Again (Elevation)
Can’t go back to the beginning
Can’t control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where you promise to be
 
I’m not enough unless you come
Will you meet me here again
‘Cause all I want is all you are
Will you meet me here again
 
As I walk now through the valley
Let your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness your glory appears
 
Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place

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