I have nothing to do today. I’m thinking about my mistakes this morning- I know that’s the number one thing I don’t need to do. It’s so hard to avoid. Whenever I do, it makes me feel like there’s nowhere for me to go from here that I can get better. I hate myself so much. I am trying to help Noah, but it’s so hard to do. I start school on Tuesday. I have no idea what new set of emotions and issues that will bring. It’s 8:51am. Every morning, I begin my day by wondering how in the hell I’m going to get through it. I am so grateful when it’s finally 7pm and I can go get in my bed. I am starting to think I need to stay off of those nursing FB groups. They have caused me more anxiety and stress than help. All those people talking about failing and how hard it is is not helping. I should probably get off of FB altogether.
I know I just have to keep fighting and living. One day at a time.
Later, that same day…
It’s now 1:38pm. I went to Walmart this morning and got stuff to fix chicken in the Crock Pot. I vacuumed a little, and I’m washing my sheets. I have been going over my money situation again for the thousandth time. If I get the insurance money, I will be in good shape. Without the insurance money, I still think I can pay off my credit card bills, but just not the loan. If I can pay off everything, I will be able to save money toward buying a house this fall. If I can’t buy one, we will just have to find one to rent. The insurance money is key to everything working out. I have been thinking about going to church. I don’t know why I have that in my head. I guess I’m looking for a source of peace and solace. Noah is going to Owensboro with Brent tomorrow. I want to believe in god. I really, really do. I want to believe there is a higher power that is watching out for me, but I don’t know if I can get there. My current friends are killing me with their political beliefs and binge drinking. I won’t find any different political beliefs at church, I’m afraid. I need something in my life. I don’t know if school is the answer. I need help. I need help badly. My mother has been my only source of support for months now. I may go to church tomorrow. Back to our old church where we used to go as a family.