Thoughts going forward…

That last entry was wasteful of me, wasteful of time, wasteful of emotion, wasteful of effort. I am speaking of not the moments with my Wife because, those are the most precious to me but rather, the talking about other family members. It is always going to be like that. Their drama is always going to be to that extent. Nothing that I think or feel shall in any way shape or form change that unless, they bring that change upon themselves. That’s the wasteful part, thinking about other’s issues without working or correcting my own.

We are where we are today because, I need to be making more money at my job. The other day, I sat there and thought about what kind of job I would want to do to make more money and I could not think of anything that I was qualified for. This of course can only be a momentary setback unless you were to let it linger. I can’t. They say that life is short but, I have another viewpoint upon that. Life is long enough, we waste a lot of it though. We waste a lot of time doing things that we shouldn’t be I think. Sleeping in, shopping perhaps when we should be sharpening our minds. The old “I shall do that later” , that’s the one.

In my case, I have been spending too much time not doing what I should. I’m in a job that I like doing but, the pay is not enough. I have been missing some days here, like last nite because the snow was pretty tricky and my car is rear wheel drive and not good in the snow. I keep going back and forth about this whole management question. Should I, can I, what if my attendance comes into question? There is more to life than asking these questions. There are paths to go down, steps to be taken, work to be done, yet here I am asking these questions.

There is only one person that can do this, ME.

We are living in my Mum In Law’s house. Monday she has to go in for a surgery. She has stage 4 Kidney failure. She’s 90 years old. She has what the Doctor’s think is a tumor on her kidneys, they also think it may be a stone although, it is rather large. She could die during the surgery, or in recovery. If it is too risky, they will just let her live out what time she has left. No one, but the Lord knows how long that shall be. These are things that are weighing not only upon my Wife’s mind and her family but, mine as well. We don’t have the money to move out right now.  That is what kills me personally. I know where we are, I see it and I need to fix the picture, and I am asking myself those stupid aforementioned questions.

We are going to move in June, the end of June. I do not want us to be here after that. We won’t be. My Wife is from here, I am from NY, Long Island. My talent given to me from the Lord is that I can write. I have three books that I’ve written but, they need a lot of work to become published. I’m doing revisions on one now. That is our future. There are a lot of stories that I can write that are up here in my mind. I want to get started in April, on an Electrical Degree so that I can get into Robotics. That’s really good money in a career  like that. I however, in the back of my mind know that I can make my living off of what I can write.

We want to move to Upstate NY. They have houses there that were built in the 1800’s, and the early part of the last Century. They have the wood banisters leading to the second floor (The house has to have two floors), formal Dining Rooms, Fireplaces, the carpet on the stairs leading to the second floor. They have the nice Chandeliers on the second floors, all hardwood throughout. The old doors, and hardware. You would hear the creaks in the floor when you walked upon them plus, all that history. Families growing up and moving out and moving on. You can’t buy that with modern. That’s why my mind is always so focused upon history. That’s what I want. I want everyone who becomes our friends to come over and visit for as long as they want to because, the door is always open.

We can get into a house like that but first, three things must happen. I need to pray about it unceasingly. I need to strengthen my Faith. I need to also work upon my credit so that it will look more favourable to a home mortgage lender, and I need a better paying job to save for the downpayment. It is all tied into those three things. The first of which is Faith and Belief.

So, I say from both inside as well as outside of me, no more struggle financially, no more wasted thoughts and time, no more questions, no more looking at the picture from the outside. I need to get into the picture and through faith change it from within. For, life is waiting. The memories that I dream of making are waiting to be realized. They are there before me. My Wife, she has my love, my devotion, all of my time, and my whole heart. What I want share with her is US. I want her to be able to have her own place in ours. I want her to do whatever she wants, when and how she wants. I want us to pay down our own house. I want her to step outside and think to herself yes, this is mine. She deserves that, we deserve that. It is time.

We spent hours that flew by yesterday because, when you are immersed in something you do not notice that time passing by. We were looking at those houses, browsing through the pictures and putting ourselves in them. It’s time to stop doing that, and making it happen.

Cheers,

Cbj

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