Came back from Mexico on Thursday and am still ill with a cough and also having jet lag. Things just feel the lowest they have ever been. Have been texting a friend I made in the Royal Glamorgan hospital recently, I talked a bit about her before I left for Mexico, Benni. She feels exactly the same as me, saying she doesn’t have any hope either. I try to see a hope for the future but I look into my future and literally see nothing but complete darkness, it is completely and utterly BLACK. Harry was my only light of hope and he’s gone. The light is gone. I cried myself to sleep last night saying over and over it was my fault Harry died, and it is. I could have got him help at 3:45am his last night and I didn’t. Like I have just said to Benni; I have no home of my own, no partner, no friends, no job and now I don’t even have my beautiful child…where’s the light in all of that? And it’s all my fault. And now I have come to a point where nothing can ever heal, nothing can ever feel right or normal ever again, what’s the point in me?
Everything is a wreck and I’m just making an arse of myself in front of people in this life. After taking sleeping pills for three weeks in Mexico I am finding I cannot sleep without them…I’m hooked. That or maybe it’s the jet lag but zopiclone is highly addictive. I have 42 on me right now but I know that would not be enough to kill me. Would blot out the pain for a while I guess but would put my parents in a worse situation because my mum started getting angry and crying about my dad the moment we got off the coach that had driven us from Heathrow airport back to Cardiff. She and dad had an argument when I was out visiting Harry’s grave the next day and dad told me about it when I got back. I hate the situation I’m in and see no way out.
I don’t talk to my older sister or to Will anymore. I shouldn’t have been sleeping with Will again because it was really just messing me up. Then he said he’d visit me when I was admitted to the Royal Glamorgan recently and he didn’t. Full of empty promises that one, and I have only myself to blame for consenting to sleep with him again, what the hell were we doing? Because obviously I eventually couldn’t take it anymore and told him to leave me alone and to never speak to me again and we haven’t. With my older sister I texted her in Mexico saying I missed Harry like crazy and this was at Christmas but she completely ignored this and just texted back saying she was still being sick with her own pregnancy. I was upset and said she obviously didn’t care at all about me missing Harry at Christmas time, she’s obviously moved on with her life and I hate it. I told her I didn’t want to see her again so obviously we haven’t spoken since either. Why shouldn’t she move on with her life, Harry wasn’t her son. And I think that’s the difficulty…no one else actually understands, I am Harry’s one and only mum. Nobody else has lost their child except the man who kept fucking me even after Harry had died. My older sister said to my mum she’d go see Harry’s memorial stone now it’s been fitted and obviously after arguing with me she hasn’t bothered. It shouldn’t matter that she argued with me, she should have gone as someone who apparently loved Harry, not refuse to go just because she argued with his mum.
In Mexico when I got upset my aunt said I had to get rid of all of Harry’s things. WHAT?! Do I really have to get rid of everything, is she right? I don’t even know anymore but I didn’t appreciate what she said at the time. I am not saying everybody hates me and is hurting me on purpose I’m just losing control and not getting on with people, my parents certainly can’t get along anymore, things about Harry just don’t ever feel any better in fact his loss feels a million times worse each day, each minute and I’m panicking that everyone around me is moving on and I’m still stuck in my grief, everyone getting married, getting pregnant, getting jobs, moving house and I have managed to cage myself in my grief, in the utter darkness I have made of my life.
I just have no hope left, there is no way out, I’m better off dead but I’m somehow still terrified, I’m stuck, I’m in despair, I have nothing, I have no one, my Harry can’t ever come back.