the night

it’s nights like these that hurt the most. i find myself overwhelmed and thinking over and over about every decision i have ever made. i think about what lead me to get to this point that i’m at now. there are so many reasons; so many mistakes made. i like to think that had they not happened i wouldnt be here right now, laying wide awake in bed hating myself for all that i have done. these types of nights are not uncommon. they somewhat haunt me. i feel regret and sadness. i feel hopeless and refuse to bother anyone with my pain. i do not want others to know that i experience these nights, that i think of myself in such a negative light, or that i wish i could undo so many things. i dont want people to know because they will only tell me that doesnt matter and that is not the thing i want to hear. i do not want to be filled with sympathetic lines or feel like a burden, so i stay up alone trying not to wake the others as i weep and reflect on all my wrongs. the night brings the emotions out of me and i can never sleep. 

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