14th jan / 22.10 / mayak
What would really matter to type in here? Its 14th january, another little checkpoint – an opportunity to check in with myself. Well, I am feeling quite good. Not wonderful / great or fine – good, in a way calm. Even though time in tiny lace with small windows, no forest outside and chaos of ppl in central ad=nd in tube show me – why I would feel disturbed, consumed by noise. Also, I noticed that watching netflix and more then one film per day or two makes me a bit anxious and unhappy. Probably cause a good for is hard to come around and also cause deep inside I know it is my way to remove stress within and avoid asking myself the right questions – that is why it is especially important to hit pause. To read a book instead of watching anything. To take a walk, to sit down with this dairy of mine and put my feelings, doubts, desires, dreams and etc in words.
When I start feeling rushed / anxious stressed, I imagine myself sitting at the Alice house, looking at the trees and watching the light fade into the dark. Maybe it is not about the atmosphere of the place, but there is something about the nature outside and its rhythms, its wise way of living – where being is more then enough and being alive is the greatest gift of the given day. Ann one says that if we lived in nature freed from money and social ruled – we would find that we don’t need all those things that we crave when living in big cities. We wouldn’t worry about being a millionarire by 16, wouldn’t care about being the prettiest or whether we match the magazine standard, we wouldn’t worry about grabbing onto more sparkly goods. None of that would matter. We would weak up with sun and go to sleep when it disappears behind the mountains. We would be present, bounded by the calm rhythms of the Earth. We would care for staying alive, for having hot food on out table, blessed with another day we had. And now, what do we do if we are far from nature, blinded by the outside noises and fake lights at midnight, surrounded by people who are as confused as we are – disconnected from the inner peace, hushes and stressed, hungry for the success that might be our trap in the end. What have we become? How do we fix it, considering that technologies il only progress and there is no doubt in that.
What is success to me? I start to question the way I viewed it. It kinda hurts sometimes to doubt and rethink something u believed to be a part of you for so long. Do I still want to be an artist, the great artist or at least a unique one because that is what my dad wishes me to see? I know I’d make him proud, so proud. But is that what I want or what he wants me to be? And with tattoos – is this craft any good for me or is it one way train into something I actually don’t like? Photography feels cool, but will I find my heart and niche in it or will it be carried along with all my billions of hobbies I once claimed. Singing? U wish to be alike Billie but who said u have a chance in it or even a gift that is needed! Blogging? Funny u consider it while u struggle at writing, putting ut thoughts on paper and even taking “life pictures”. Content creator? What kind of content can u create, aren’t u fooling urself ? Should u be working for someone else and put ur ego aside, or are u avoiding it cause of ur ego and denial wheres the thrust is – u are no capable of creating or running things like business nor projects. Why would u think you are. Smm? Ha! Tell it to someone who has more then 2K followed and 50 likes per post. Techwear brand? Minimalism? How much do u know about those or about what people love / need….
One of the thoughts that would hurt me is this : I wish I know what I want and knew my why, so I could work on it with purpose. But maybe, just maybe, there is no why unless u create it, there is no right choice unless u say it is the right one. Sometimes I think I am actually smart, somethings I feel incredibly silly. Who am I? Why am I. Who am I.
To be or not to be the question is… give me a sign. Please. Teach me reading those signs. Please. Sigs around us…
To be hoes I am not so sure what this note is about. Maybe just a messy rumble of thoughts and questions. As I am typing this, my laptop is on my knees and the warm lights on my windows are throwing shades on my new favourite beige robe. Tears some out a little. It is better to let them out, it feels right to admit all of my feelings without judgment and guilt. I am very grateful to myself for being kinder to myself since the new year. Yes, I could sure do better on the productive side, but I think that stress is the last thing that I will even need in any situation. So I choose to cut it off with understanding and kindness. And instead – ask myself – what can I do right now to make it better. What did I promise myself and didn’t do?
In any case, choose kindness. Even if u don’t feel great today, still love yourself. If you mess up ur plans, loose money or forget the promise u gave – don’t [punish, just fix it. Just fix it and keep making choices that mill man u and ur life filler! Just keep it up. Follow peace. Choose yourself.
Love . xoxo