15th jan / fulltime, wasting potential, immigration

14th – 15th jan / 00.00 / mayak 

prior event : spoken with Kate about job, how hard mentally it is to stay at home or work from home, how hard it is to be a freelancer, the importance of finding balance and giving yourself the income u want along with the lifestyle and comforts that u need

So when I think about the full time job, the concept that scares me the most – is that I get comfortable, settle down, chill and never step out of those comfort zones that I need. Need for what? Not quite sure. And u can laugh, but I always felt as if there is something great within me, potential and unique views…and that if I don’t bring it into the world, don’t grow – I will fail myself, I will wast the gifts and opportunities in life that I once had.

Regret, guilt, misery. 

But. Look at me. Technically unemployed, a struggling artist with huge ego and words over actions. With parents who’s help I take for granted. Another spoiled girl that will only waste time and indulge on dreams of success while never becoming anything of value to anyone. Its an ugly portrait. I like people who put in action and make things happen, I like real life alchemists who turn their visions into reality to make things around them greater. I respect disciplined and mindful folks, those who break rules to create their owns to love by. 

Maybe I am not suited to be an artist nor business girl, nor blogger, nor influencer. Maybe I am meant to be something else and is simply denying it. May be. Just maybe…

Oftentimes, I wonder if every human or at least every creative is torchered by such thoughts. It would be silly to assume I am the only one. But I wish to find the aster for myself one day. And I wish to become the kind of person who can help others discover, revel, define theirs. Wouldn’t that be beautiful!

And speaking about the full-time…maybe. Just maybe, if I worked in London for instance, like Rick does, in the sum department or like Natalie – I wold be satisfied, fulfilled, at peace. Maybe I don’t feel right about signing up for the “real job” here cause my heart doesn’t want to be tied up to this place. Maybe my heart knows, whats best for me so it is torturing me with questions and visions. Like even tattooing overseas or painting murals, studying masters in fashion and creating the kind of brand I want in the country where that kind of concept wild be more then welcome…

They said this year is tied to travelling and it feels right to do so. And look, who said that I will get all the answers straight away? Wont hide that its a torture sometimes though. Yeah. So man choices but in fact only few of them are right for me. 

Btw if I were to study again, Id love it to be relevant to slow fashion or sum. Id love it to be BA not masters and somewhere were I could stay as a citizen. This is what my heart truly wishes for, that is also why it scares me so much – to want something so badly and to feel fixated. trapped. Immigrants. I wish there was no such word and ppl could choose where to live. I wish I was born in America or Australia. I wish I didn’t feel trapped in my own country& I wish I didn’t feel upset by my countries people. But well. Well. Well. 

What can I do to make it better?

What can I do to make it better 

What can I do to make it better 

shine bright, strangers 

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