dear journal,

Here i am again writing to you, I haven’t written my feelings down in a long time but here i am running to paper. stupid old paper when i know i need someone not just paper but  seem to listen the best.

I feel like im stuck and lost in this hell its like i cant fucking wake up from this damn nightmare i’m living it like you god are getting a thrill of watching the pain im suffering from. maybe its just me but thats the way it really seems. the people i love the most and turned to are gone and i losing my self.  i really honestly  don’t know were the fuck i belong know i just want to fucking go home  but right know i dont know were that is.

I  feel more alone know then i ever have i wanna turn to my dad but i know its just gonna be a slap in the face because i stupidly let my self get in this position i’m in. I’m alot smarter then this i slowly watched things play out . I just never stopped them.

And know look at me im a fucking broken mess i became everything i hate.

a monster i fought so hard to change from.

I fucking hate my self for becoming this monster its like im good for nothing everyone turns on me and treats me like shit i get it we all make mistakes but im trying to change and fix my fuck ups but it is never good enough its like everyone really fucking hates me they dont want me around unless they want something from me or for me to do something. for once i just want someone to be like stop stephnie you are trying your best but in reality it will never happen. and i just gotta learn to respect that .

i gotta learn to to handle that some people will never love u and treat u the same as others that my feelings only matter to me. and i gotta learn to stop getting attached and loving so easy.

because i  forgot that not leaving your self open u wont get hurt u dont reveal to much about your self its a fighting chance u wont end up like me broken down trying to rebuild my self up again alone its hard … 

One thought on “lost”

  1. This too shall pass. I hope things get better. You could call a 24 hour hotline. I have called a few times when things were to hard to for me. They talk to me and I calmed down and I didnt even know those people.

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