Merely blithering

I told myself I was going to sleep early tonight since I don’t feel well. But I couldn’t and now it’s almost 1 am. 

I just finished talking to a dear friend of mine that I haven’t reached out to for too long. I pretty much got everything out of my chest as we bawled our eyes out for the last hour or two. It was a bit weird for the both of us. I tend to be very private and reclusive even with my bestest friends and she knew that. She never really saw me cry either, so I guess she was a bit surprised. I told her how miserable I am and have been the last couple months, all the dark thoughts I’ve had, and turning to the wrong things and wrong people for help. We tried this social media detox thing together along with other friends at the beginning of the year, when, in fact, I did it more to avoid answering people’s questions when I have nothing good to say then. So I just isolated myself with no one to talk to, really. It’s like a ghost town here at home. I told her I started writing journals online a bit after that, and met a few people there who have been really nice. It made me feel so much better being uplifted and told I’m not alone even if it’s by complete strangers. 

I caved in with the social media thing a bit ago. I miss so many friends and family that I can only communicate with online. I’ve been missing out a lot of what’s been going on with their lives because of it. I missed a whole lot of messages and calls from them too…it made me felt good but also guilt. 

My friend asked me how I felt after turning them back on. Well….the inevitable questions I was trying to avoid were asked as soon as I reached back to people, so, not so good. But I kinda already saw that coming. I told her I was feeling even more down and blue these last couple days, but I had no one else to talk to because they already worry so much. There’s just been a lot of things going on lately, and it’s worse that they’re all happening at the same time. Too overwhelming. I was telling people I was sick (which I really am) but I’m really just cancelling plans and making excuses because I don’t want to show them how gloomy I am right now. 

We spent another period of time giving and taking advices. And she told me to try and go back doing the things I used to enjoy. So I might start doing yoga again. Meditation helped me before, so maybe that too. I used to like taking scenery pictures, but haven’t touched my camera for too long now nor go outdoors these days. I’m definitely a summer person. I might wake up early tomorrow to see if I can catch the sunrise. I used to take pictures of that too.

Anyway, it just felt good having someone to vent to every now and then. January is about to end. Oh lord, 1/12 of 2019 is already gone?! Hopefully, brighter days are ahead. And clearer nose too. Ugh! This congestion is killing me, literally, I can’t breathe. February…please be better to me.

Best wishes,

Romani

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