While the title could relate to A LOT of things, in this moment, I’m talking about clothes. Sorry to disappoint lol.
But in all honesty, the past three years has wreaked havoc on my ability to let go. Relationships, my house, my career, my savings, the comforts and luxuries that come with knowing you’re secure financially…It’s tough shit.
Looking back, I’ve always been a worrier (thanks anxiety!) but it makes me laugh to think that my worries once consisted of not buying a house fast enough and would I REALLY have to wait another 6 months for that promotion? My worries were trivial, to say the least. Life has humbled me in that way.
Now days I find myself clinging to everything… Every glimpse of hope, every possible new treatment idea or doctor, every opportunity to engage in social activities, every last day I can spend loving my home and everything in it before I have to let it go, too.
With that in mind, I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s time to let go of some clothes. My beloved work clothes, that is. My rude thinking mind keeps telling me that I’m being ridiculous and that I never liked dressing up anyways… Which is kind of true. Okay, it’s mostly true. But I liked that I had an annual wardrobe budget and got to buy nice things. Pretty dresses and shoes I would’ve never paid for otherwise. It made me feel like I fit in, like I belonged. And given that I was a small town girl who likes cowboy boots and big trucks and I was trying to fit into the big city where they told me to change my nails, my hair and my outfits, at least I got to buy those outfits on their dime, for the most part. And as much as changing myself annoyed me, my personality remained the same and my determination to do great things was greater than ever. I was going places and there’s no question that I did great things while I was there. But now there’s no need for fancy dresses and heels that I can no longer wear. I’ve kept them and told myself that “I’m going to find a way to work and when I do, I’ll need them!” And someday that may be true. It’s certainly still my hope and my goal. But the bigger picture is my need to downsize. There’s no doubt that I’ll be forced to move in a few months and downsizing my wardrobe is the smallest place to start.
So today I sat on the end of my big bed, in my big room, staring at my big closet. Mind you, it’s not a walk in but it is fairly big and it’s one of two closets I have (the guest room has all my dresses, this one holds the clothes I wear now and one side is work clothes). I began going through hangers, one by one, trying to be honest about whether or not I wear this and that. First my everyday stuff, then my work clothes. I asked myself if I’d ever wear it, if I’ve worn it since leaving work, if I think it even still fits and if I said yes, I had to try it on. Which I did. Then I cried. Some things fit but as much as I wanted to keep them, I knew I hadn’t and probably would never wear them. And scaling down and making a few dollars is what’s more important right now. And sure, I told myself all the optimistic, pep talk stuff like how less “clutter” and less stuff is going to make me feel liberated and free and I should be excited! I suppose maybe that’s true but right now, it sure doesn’t feel that way. It feels like a loss… I’ll either donate or sell things for a few dollars. Some things in which I paid a hundred dollars for! Things I fear I could never afford again… I read something yesterday that said something along the lines of “Instead of saying you can’t afford something, ask yourself HOW you can afford it.” I liked the quote but… Eh. It’s just extremely uncomfortable and I still struggle learning how to sit with my feelings. I don’t like feeling sad and I don’t like grief work. But trust me, I know how necessary it is. I know I need to feel it and let it be there in order for it to move on… But I’d rather ignore it and pretend I can keep everything and tell myself I’ll wear it all SOMEDAY! That feels like a win, rather than a loss. It’s something to look forward to, no matter how far off it may be. And yes, I know I may be bigger or smaller by then and those things may or may not still be in style but if I get rid of them, I’ll never know! What I do know is that I’m over losing things and feeling so much sadness. It’s hard to handle…So much so that part way through this I told the dog “I know! Let’s go to the coffee stand!” And we did. And they loved on my pup, gave her treats and I ordered my favorite coffee, saw the smiling faces of my friends and talked about our days while they made my drink. Of course, I told them it was a great day with a smile on my face, rather than telling them how sad the clothes thing made me…Now I’m home and I wanted to finish this. I’m done looking at clothes for today. I’ll still have to go through my dresses and eventually post them online for sale and then actually sell them… I hope the feelings that follow will feel better than all this sadness does…
On the flip side, I am grateful. I’m grateful for my friendly baristas at the coffee stand, grocery delivery and piano music that helps keep me calm. I’m also grateful for rainy days, books, tea and the fact that I slept for a solid 3 hours without waking up last night! Today I have gas in my car, was able to afford a coffee (what a treat!), a warm and beautiful home, a loving sidekick, a family (and a few great friends) to lean on, a good book waiting for me and a laptop that works.
Though I may have a lot of grief work to do, I never forget how blessed, loved and grateful I am.