These last few years I have struggled to re-identify myself. Through past relationships, my career and my injury, I lost my sense of self. I got so used to being told I could do this/couldn’t do that and I wanted to meet their expectations. And like most people, I have things about me that I’m known for. My go-getter style, being the girl who drives and builds her own race car, my nail designs, and when allowed, my hair. But I was eventually told no more “unnatural” hair colors and my nails were too bright. Then my race car no longer fit in the parking garage (it was too low!) and I had to buy a commuter. Then my injury happened and the race car had to go altogether (for now, or so I tell myself).
So in 2017 I went to a wedding and decided I was going back to my old self, bright pink nails, sparkles, the whole bit… Until I realized they were way, way too much for me. It’s when I realized just how bad my anxiety has become and I was embarrassed that they were drawing so much attention. I wanted to hide them. I’ve since realized that my nails are still very important to me but that my personality now tends to go for sharp nails and quieter colors with the occasional diamond or just a little sparkle.
And my hair… Well, I went all out on that one. I had purple roots and pink hair, then neon pink which faded to baby pink (my favorite!), ash blonde, then maroon and finally blue. The baby pink was by far my favorite, I went everywhere feeling like a fancy princess! However, when you don’t have the money to upkeep colors like this, you’re screwed. Needless to say, it didn’t last. My friend did my hair as a favor to my self esteem and I just didn’t have the money to try and make it work. It was heartbreaking but fun while it lasted. So now I have dark brown at the top and lighter brown at the bottom, oh yeah, and some awesome, super light roots.
So, tomorrow I will go to the beauty school and try to find “me” in the form of a new hair color. I want to be all one color and I’m aiming for super dark brown or black, though I can’t decide for sure. I can’t say I was done being a peacock yet but I need to try and slowly repair the damage of bleaching my hair repeatedly and learn to stay with in my budget (AKA thanks Mom!).
So who am I? Dark brown seems sensible and less damaging than black. But people have always seemed to like me with black hair and then it would just be a matter of upkeeping my roots… Black makes sense but I’ve done it twice now for a while and then asked to go blonde again. Yes, I’m that girl. Thankfully my hairdresser owns a salon and loves me as a friend, otherwise she’d probably hate me as a client ha-ha. Then again, I think even if I wanted to, going blonde is a far off dream at this point so maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad time to pick black. Blah. Neither amounts to baby pink. But! I’m determined to honor myself and choose me. Meaning I won’t tell or ask anyone in my family what their opinions are and I’m going to make this decision without the influence of anyone else… So here I sit, confused, kind of frustrated and a little annoyed with myself. Just choose already, right? Eh, chances are, I’ll stare at Pinterest boards all night and choose when I sit in this new persons chair tomorrow.
Yet another change in my life. No more fancy hairdresser whenever I want. Now, I am a client of the beauty school who will see some random stylist and hope she nails it. Don’t get me wrong, I used to go to the beauty school all the time, I’m not a snob. But I did grow really, really attached to my hairdresser, having money and being able to do what I want, when I want (including pink hair and upkeeping blonde roots every few weeks) which is much more fun than wondering what I can get away with the longest in between getting my roots done. That in itself feels like I’m having to “tone myself down” again… I’m rying to be positive and excited for new hair (which I really am looking forward to!) but feeling a little bummed at the same time. I guess it’s okay to feel both, this is part of my grief work, right?