Only two things worthy of mention happened in my life today: I got the results of my blood test (which confirmed that my low-chocolate diet is actually helping a little to lower my cholesterol levels) and my brother returned from his holiday in Brazil. As I have nothing else to report on this date, I will dedicate this entry to something that happened some time ago, on December of last year.
For some reason I can’t remember now, I was talking with my mother about my lack of self-confidence. I often think I am useless and struggle to find anything good about myself. So my mother suggested that I write a description of myself, with the good and the bad all together. She wanted me to write the bad things too because she knew I would never get started if I was only allowed to write good things. I wrote a two-page, handwritten description in Spanish. Here is my translation of it:
I will begin to describe myself in the easiest manner: by what is visible, what is “objective”: my physical appearance. I am a relatively tall and rather skinny woman. My eyes are a light blue that many people find attractive. My hair is somewhere in between strowberry blonde and light brown, and when I have it professionally ironed, it is straight and neat since the moment I leave my bed, with no need of brushing. I have nothing to say against my physical appearance: I am aware of my considerable outer beauty despite the little care I give my body.
However, I am equally aware of my body’s limitations. For instance, my pretty eyes are perfect for being seen, but they suck at seeing. My long, slender and not at all muscular arms cannot even hold a baby for an hour without enduring days of pain. I lack the necessary cordination to walk with high-heeled shoes, dance, or play any sport. Besides, I have no endurance nor muscle flexibility, which would make me struggle even more if I wanted to do any physical activity.
I consider my mental abilities to be better than my physical ones, but I still do not regard myself as brilliant. I am bad for numbers, I am very absent-minded, my visual intelligence is probably non-existent and I am capable of getting lost inside a supermarket. Sometimes I can make use of my strongest abilities, such as my good memory, my reading and writing skills, and the logical analysis of some situations, to compensate my weaknesses and solve problems. However, even in my strengths there is a weakness: their speed. Even when my reasoned conclusion is correct, it takes me a long time to get there. If I have enough time and am not under pressure, I can attain good results in activities that I find interesting and that require the use of my best skills.
Lastly I will describe my personality. That is the hardest part. There are some people who would describe me as a “naive” and “good” girl. But I can also be “moody” and irritable when I do not feel like talking. I may come off as a quiet introvert, but this changes drastically in a conversation about anything that interests me. I may be helpful and selfless if asked to do something I know I can do, but I firmly refuse to help if I am not sure about what I am being asked. I am often anxious, specially about the unknown, the future, and big changes and transitions in my life. I might be inflexible sometimes. I am also very insecure and pesimistic, which not only increases my fears, but also provides them with further opportunities to come true.
After I showed this to my mother, she asked me to write a new one, but this time skipping all the bad and expanding on the good. I haven’t done that yet, but hopefully I will soon.