February 11, 2019
I think for the first time in my life I am truly experiencing what they call seasonal depression. I’ve definitely had depression before for different reasons, and I have no doubt I still do for those reasons, but I think this winter has hit Morgan and I harder than ever before. It’s our first winter together, but we both have never felt quite this helpless before during this season. I hate winter already, but for some reason this time it’s been making me feel sad, anxious, uncomfortable, bored, and exhausted. I truly believe weather can have that much of an affect on mood. I’m hoping that once spring comes around that Morgan and I will both perk up a bit and get our old selves back. We’ve both just been so off. This weekend wasn’t terrible but we have been getting little blips of emotional stress lately and Saturday definitely was one of those days. We both struggled to get his math homework done (the problems were ridiculously difficult) and he started to shut down on wanting to do anything even though his friend Kurstin was over and had planned to go swimming at the gym with us. It became a big emotional and stressful ordeal trying to even get him to get up, go to his dorm to get his swim trunks, and then get in the mood to go swimming. And then when we finally got there, they pool had closed already. It wouldn’t be such a huge deal but Kurstin gets pretty upset when plans are changed. She took it pretty well this time though, I was right when I told Morgan I’m sure she’d understand as a friend that you were not well mentally today and that going out would be asking a lot. One thing about him and most of his family members, they take little inconveniences pretty heavy. One small inconvenience can make Morgan really pissy. He said I’m the only one that can keep him level headed in those times but I was failing to do that this time and it discouraged me a lot.
Friday night before that I was feeling pretty good and even thought I was acting like myself again. But then Morgan kept asking me if I was okay because I seemed off. That actually made me a bit upset and quiet because I didn’t think there was anything to detect. I definitely have been acting a little more cautious around him because I keep waiting for the moment he breaks down, but we ended up alright. We just made nachos and watched a movie and went to bed. Sunday was the better day for us. Even though it still felt a bit sluggish, we were able to get the speakers set up again for the TV and got his mom’s TV set up in the basement. We made a shopping trip, cooked, played Assassin’s Creed, watched Big Mouth and went to bed. Even though I told my dad I was going to keep my promise of sleeping at home four nights a week again, I couldn’t help but stay over again. It was just so late and my car had snow on it, it was easier to stay. Plus I had everything I’d need to get ready for work this morning so it worked out okay.
Shelby texted me at 3am asking me to talk to her today because she needs her “bestie’s input”. It feels a bit uncomfortable being called a bestie when I don’t necessarily consider her one of my best friends. I can probably guess that it’s going to be about her boyfriend Derek or something I don’t really care about. She tends to overthink everything and gets pissed when someone points out that she’s overthinking. And she talks way too much and makes everyone exhausted trying to follow her stories. Hanging out with her recently just reminded me of why I don’t really like to that often. All her and her boyfriend and his friends do is drink, get high, play video games, and eat. It’s a boring life and I don’t really want to be a part of it more than once a month at the most. Not that my life is much more interesting, but it’s definitely filled with a bit more activity than that most days. I miss the creative Shelby that would make art and garden and renovate rooms. I think living in a home that isn’t hers to decorate is definitely stifling her creative spirit.
I’ve figured out that the heaviest weight on my mind that is making me feel like a piece of shit is the fact that I quit college and I live at home. Not finishing school made me feel like a failure, and now I’m just working, struggling to live on the money I make, and living with my dad again which makes me feel like a child again. I want to eventually go back to college and get a degree in something useful, but I have no clue what makes me happy. I don’t have any passions, I’m not particularly talented at anything, and the only thing I can think of in this world that would have me totally content is doing nothing and being rich. A terrible outlook, I know. But I just feel like my life is so wasted sitting at a desk in an office. All the jobs I can think of that would be genuinely fun and fulfilling, are things I’m not good at or qualified for. And the process to getting qualified isn’t as fun as being qualified. I’m not against hard work, I’ve always had good work ethic (although lately it’s been a bit low due to this fucking depression). And I think that working hard towards something does make the result more rewarding. But goddamn is it hard to break through this fog of depression, fear of failure, and unwillingness that is preventing me from trying to find that thing I’m meant to do. If there is a God, I don’t know why he put me on this earth and it’s driving me insane trying to figure it out.