Keep and kick

So this journal is one of the saddest and most unfortunate things I’ve had to do. And that says a lot. The closest of my people never actually gave a fuck even when I needed just two minutes to hold off a breakdown till i was home by myself. I know I texted hunter but probably just a heart because I didn’t know what i could even say to him and it wasn’t a time he would have been able to talk anyway. It was the final breaking and was going to be probably the most mortifying thing I’ve ever had to handle with people around. I was stranded again. Now with Nub. It was supposed to be a playdate, he picked us up at 11 on Saturday to play with ever. Then made us go around with him to everywhere but the house. That was it. It finally hit the line I never let anything near, affecting my child. a kid with severe ADHD, would you promise a playdate to, and 36 hours later he’s still waiting and upset and confused. Like everyone is when they’re involved with adrian. Forced not fun sleepover in a little pink bed ever was nice enough to offer us. It was 100% crazy. It was a playdate, he was making up for the weekend i went through with him prior. I should have known better, but I thought if we had these definite plans and also were assured a ride home the same evening, not much could go wrong. Thank God b was so nice about things, but I was at my breaking point. A crying frustrated kid stuck in a quiet room with no entertainment. I couldn’t blame him for being upset. He needed food there, he needed an electronic if we were going to be left to fend for ourselves while i tried for hours to keep him quiet and not upset out of respect for the rest of the house. It was bad and only got worse and worse and i was already holding my pieces together as hard as I could.

But i knew i was gonna break. And I needed to get us out of there and not inadvertently be the cause of a bad situation in the house. Adrian screamed at me in front of the kids. I did scream back and apologized a million times to b, but she kept saying if I didn’t, she would have. It was ridiculous and so unnecessary and out of line. When I was trying to get nub to sleep in the pink bed, he actually said the words “that reminded me of the worst day of my life.” My heart dropped and i knew exactly what he was referring to and I couldn’t believe I let that happen. It was so unexpected, and he’s never done anything like that before, and the way he screamed, it was a serious guy scream. He then went to bed for once instead of taking us home and i didn’t talk to him until sometime into the next day. Didn’t want to see his face or hear his bullshit. I did throw his phone at his face when I caught him pretending to sleep at one point while I was just sitting still trying not to disturb anyone. I was sitting there silently alone, trying not to wake any of the various sleep schedules happening, that i knew i wasn’t gonna make it much longer. Not only did he keep making me feel like the problems were either not problems at all or were my fault, but he put not just me but my child through a weekend of hell. We both cried in his truck on the way home. it was a rough weekend, he never should have had to deal with that when he was told he was going to a playdate. And i was so mad at adrian because I still believed he had enough sense to consider and respect that he brought a child out. I can’t explain the anger i felt towards him. And the embarrassment of starting my breakdown finale at their house because there was just no way to hold it anymore with the situations he put us in. I’ve known some crazy irresponsible people but they would never go anywhere near the line of affecting a child in any way.

I was holding in so many different things I had been ripping down, waiting for the moment to get them out. Will never live that down in my head. I must have seemed like such a crazy person. It was while i collected our stuff to leave that I realized I was about to break. This was the ending, so there were so many different things and people involved in what I had to finish getting tears out for. Let clearly a wreck assuming I’d never see them again either. It was rough¬†

They’re so easy on me about it now, but they’re just being nice because they know I was going through a lot, losing a lot, processing a lot. That was what I was trying to finish and start moving past since July 25. Took until December 30. And that was with me waiting, knowing, and encouraging it to happen. Crazy to think I was actively working on getting to and finishing my breakdown. But I knew what needed to happen. At one point i almost wanted to slip and keep the closest friend i had. But if i needed it out, I needed it out. I got rid of a large majority of negativity by that day. There was one good thing I needed to keep. I fought myself and life to get rid of the negative, and I’m going to fight even harder to keep the good thing.

One thought on “Keep and kick”

  1. Yes, it is sad and unfortunate, but it’s a good thing for you to vent, unload, purge and just have a place to yell and be mad at and hurt within. It’s good to write, I just wish it wasn’t so heartbreaking for you.

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