I went on two dates. I had a wonderful time until he told me he wasn’t ready to date after all. Honestly, I got this vibe from him and I respect that he took the time to communicate it to me, rather than “ghosting” me.
Then, I got the wind knocked out of me like a ton of bricks to the chest. My neighborhood is part of a group of neighborhoods in the area that share a website where we can chat about HOA’s, suspicious people, lost pets, etc. So you can imagine my surprise when I open it up to see my ex introducing himself as a new resident of the neighborhood NEXT DOOR. Him and his “new family” that is. This is THE ex. The one I thought I was going to marry… The one who, until now, lived 45 minutes away and we’d be hard pressed to accidentally run into one another. Now, I can’t get to my coffee shop, the grocery store or the freeway without passing his neighborhood. Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach just writing about it. Of all the places and of all the people. *Sigh*
Then, if all this wasn’t bad enough, I got snowed in for SIX days. It’s one thing when you have a family and can shovel your driveway, play games, etc. It’s another when you can’t even walk to the mailbox in the snow and you live alone… Oh yeah, did I mention I also lost cable and internet for three of those days? I love to read but the silence was deafening after a while. And what bothers me the most is that in the beginning I didn’t mind! I told myself I had plenty to do around the house and I could clean, bake, read, etc. Then I realized that my body is still the same and it isn’t about to let me do any more than usual just because I have the desire to be ultra productive and spend my time “wisely”. Ugh.
The past week and a half has really defeated my spirits. I’ve felt lonelier than ever and haven’t had the will or the want to leave the couch. I’m exhausted. I’ve done everything right to get better physically, I’ve gone to the gym, seen a whole list of doctors in every profession, tried every therapy I can think of and I’m not improving. I moved away from my ex, wrote about him, tried to have my coming to Jesus talks about him and about giving me the strength to move on and let go but I’ll be damned if seeing that didn’t break my heart all over again…
I am trying my best. To let things be as they are, to sit with uncomfortable emotions, to let things go and not need to understand the things that don’t have answers. I am trying to move on, from everything.
Which reminds me, my Mom and I were talking about the hospital the other day and how I was “too cheerful” and “too nice” and “smiling too much”. So much so that she felt people weren’t taking me serious. I had an illius (when your bowels don’t wake up after surgery) and I was in a wheelchair in the waiting room while they put kids with colds before me. I thought I was on my death bed. I was sweating, I was white and I would’ve offed myself instead of continuing to sit there had I been given the choice. Then I had a tube rammed up my nose and down the back of my throat while people held my head still and after less than a day at home, I was back in the hospital. Honestly, I can’t imagine anyone not seeing through my bullshit. I am tough as f*ck and at that point, I knew it. But I was trying not to take it out on others or be a bitch, knowing it wasn’t their fault. It also just reiterated how long I’ve practiced wearing a mask and just how good at it I’d gotten. I finally had to tell my Mom “Mom! I’ve worn a happy mask since I was a little kid, you don’t just stop that overnight!”… I thought speaking up and being honest about how much pain I was in was enough. But I guess I need to practice showing it like Mom said.
And it scares me. Is this me without a mask? Someone who tries and who wants to be happy, cheerful, bright and bubbly but… can’t be? I fear I’ll never be the kind of happy that I want to be and I don’t know why… All the trying in the world isn’t working.