I went on two dates. I had a wonderful time until he told me he wasn’t ready to date after all. Honestly, I got this vibe from him and I respect that he took the time to communicate it to me, rather than “ghosting” me.
Then, I got the wind knocked out of me like a ton of bricks to the chest. My neighborhood is part of a group of neighborhoods in the area that share a website where we can chat about HOA’s, suspicious people, lost pets, etc. So you can imagine my surprise when I open it up to see my ex introducing himself as a new resident of the neighborhood NEXT DOOR. Him and his “new family” that is. This is THE ex. The one I thought I was going to marry… The one who, until now, lived 45 minutes away and we’d be hard pressed to accidentally run into one another. Now, I can’t get to my coffee shop, the grocery store or the freeway without passing his neighborhood. Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach just writing about it. Of all the places and of all the people. *Sigh*
Then, if all this wasn’t bad enough, I got snowed in for SIX days. It’s one thing when you have a family and can shovel your driveway, play games, etc. It’s another when you can’t even walk to the mailbox in the snow and you live alone… Oh yeah, did I mention I also lost cable and internet for three of those days? I love to read but the silence was deafening after a while. And what bothers me the most is that in the beginning I didn’t mind! I told myself I had plenty to do around the house and I could clean, bake, read, etc. Then I realized that my body is still the same and it isn’t about to let me do any more than usual just because I have the desire to be ultra productive and spend my time “wisely”. Ugh.
The past week and a half has really defeated my spirits. I’ve felt lonelier than ever and haven’t had the will or the want to leave the couch. I’m exhausted. I’ve done everything right to get better physically, I’ve gone to the gym, seen a whole list of doctors in every profession, tried every therapy I can think of and I’m not improving. I moved away from my ex, wrote about him, tried to have my coming to Jesus talks about him and about giving me the strength to move on and let go but I’ll be damned if seeing that didn’t break my heart all over again… I am TRYING to understand. I am TRYING to let things be as they are. I’m What did I do to deserve this?