stressed & pregnancy

I’m so stressed out, I just want to eat, cry, and go to sleep. 

This is my final semester at Berkeley and its soo fucking overwhelming. I’ve been crying a lot lately because I just feel so stressed out and it helps me a lot actually. I’m not normally a cryer but I destress with a good cry and then I get over it and am able to get back to it. 

But it its not school, then its the wedding. I feel like thats another giant task no matter how small I try to make it. Sometimes I just feel like calling Ayato and telling him that I don’t want the wedding, I just want to be married. We don’t need anything but a court house and each other. Its just getting out hand.  I even hired a wedding planner but its still not easier. I just want my husband to be Ayato and for us to be together. Its almost like a task to plan this whole thing. And its so hard because I’m not even living in the state where its going to take place. We still haven’t heard from the owners if our date is available or not for the estate we wanted to rent. We were suppose to hear from them 2 days ago. If we don’t get that date then we’re screwed because our plans are halted until we can get going with everything else since the date is getting so much closer. Our date is for the month of July, we ended up changing the date because originally it was August but we realized we had a special anniversary for July so we updated for an earlier date. In a way it works out. But its also so much more stressful. If we get this venue, then we’re good. The rest is easy to do. 

Our guest list has grown as well. We started off at 55 ( I have a big Russian family) and that was including Ayato’s side, and now we have 85. So its a pretty big wedding. Its no longer my sweet quaint wedding. But there really is no going around it, I have a huge family and they’re all so involved and close, if I don’t invite 1 cousin or 1 family its taken as an insult and its a big deal in our family. Weddings are huge to us. So I’m pretty much forced to invite my whole family. And because of that Ayato has ample opportunity to invite all the people he is good friends with as well, his bestfriends, and its only fair. So our guest list has grown so much because of that. But ultimately I’ve decided to cap it off at 85 and not 1 more person is being added. Its done.  My grandparents are also coming from Russia which makes it so much more annoying that I have to be wary if they decide to invite other people themselves. It really pisses me off, but they tend to do stuff like that. This is why I just want to elope. Its all this and for what? I just want to be his wife, we should just elope. 

I still haven’t found the dress. But I there’s a quite a few more bridal stores I haven’t step foot in all around San Francisco. 

Ayato is so busy with work, he won’t be able to visit me anytime soon. And I understand. I never let him know how sad I am because of it because its kind of a shitty thing to do. He works so hard, its not like he’s doing it for the joy of not coming, and its a long flight, so I just want him to know I get it and I’m not demanding him to be here or anything. Truth be told I really really miss him. Its making me really sad. But I know we’re gonna be together soon. 

Also my friend Elke is going through some hard stuff. She found out that her ex boyfriend got another girl pregnant. The other girl was one of her oldest and closest friends. And she suspects they were having an affair during the time in which they were still a couple. The worst part of it was that Elke herself had gotten pregnant but he convinced her to abort it. She didn’t want to about the baby but she didn’t want to lose him. And then she finds out that he actually wants the baby with her ex-bestfriend. How fucked up is that? I can’t even begin to imagine. She’s all torn up about it because she’s still in love with him, and full of deep hurt, and he had just broken up with her in December. I feel so bad for her, all I can do is be there for her. 


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