Only way to get you out of my head

It’s been almost a whole year since I’ve written in this journal. I’ve never really been good with keeping up a journal. If anyone out there reads my journals I’m am now with Boy 3 and I love him so much. We have been together for 8 months and this is our third time dating. I’m in lobe with him and am going to marry him but hey this is not about him. Let’s go back to Boy 1, my first love and my abuser. Why do I still often think about him. I see things that remind me of him. He apologized for the way he treated me and I can tell that he means it. I wonder why God let me go through all that to begin with. Why was Boy 1 upset at me in Maryland? Why couldn’t he just think I was enough? Why was he embarrassed to be seen with me or even mention our relationship to people? In Oregon I watched him get the phone call that his mom had overdosed on drugs and was dead. He broke down immediately and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t think he wanted me to come running after him to make sure he was okay because he never wanted to make us known to the world that we were a couple. But years later he asked me “why didn’t you come after me when I needed you most?” How did you expect me to know what to do when you constantly yelled at me for all the “mistakes” I made In one day?? I wish I could ask you all these things but I feel like that would be wrong of me to do behinds my boyfriends back (Boy3). Even if I did tell him he would probably be very upset. I did everything for him and I want to know why I wasn’t good enough.

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