Yesterday evening after class I went out with my mother and sister to have dinner in a nice sushi place. It seemed to be the ideal plan for us, but my mother managed to ruin it by bringing up the subject of the gym. I haven’t been able to get my weekly schedule organized, and most of the classes of the gym are at the same time as my college classes, so I have only gone to the gym once last week, and none so far this week. My mother claimed I was not valuing the money my parents spent on my subscription. She said that as I don’t work I have all my mornings free, so I have no excuses not to go. She reminded me that they had asked me whether I wanted a subscription and I had said yes. It was my choice. And I was throwing my parent’s money away by not using it. She basically implied I’m an ungrateful daughter because I don’t value their efforts and their money.
My mother doesn’t know, though, that there is a reason why I can’t value their money. The thing is, I am an unemployed young adult of twenty three. I have never had a real paying job. I have never had a fixed income. I truly believe myself to be utterly useless and doubt I will ever be able to do anything well enough that someone would want to hire me. I am completely terrified by the idea of having to work and make a living. So, under these circumstances, in my mind, valuing money implies divesting myself of my own value as a person.
It works like this: every time I think about the efforts and the money my parents have spent on me over the years, I end up thinking I was clearly not worth it. They have fed me, dressed me, sent me to private schools, taken me to cinemas, theaters and restaurants, art, music, sports and gym classes. They have paid years of college tuition. They have always allowed me to live with them. They have done everything they could do, given me everything they could afford, invested their time, their effort and their money on me, for twenty three years. For what? A useless twenty-three year old university graduate who can’t seem to get a job and is still dependent on them?
So then I think that I was a failed project they have invested on. I never worked. I was very expensive and caused many losses, and i still have not given any profits. I have no value. I shouldn’t exist. I have the same right to live in their house as the roaches we crush every time we see them in the kitchen. I am only alive because of their kindness and charity. And if I really loved them and wanted the best for them I should just go kill myself. And I start crying uncontrollably for a long time.
This happened to me this afternoon. This is why I can’t value money. Because it reminds me how unworthy I am.