racist grandma.

Woke up to a chilly morning, but very beautiful day none the less. 
I worked out, came home showered, and ate breakfast at my neighbors. 

Good news, I’ve finally found my wedding dress. I fell in love with everything about it, the material, the shape, the fit, the lace, ….everything. Today I went with my friend Elke to shop for a veil, but I didn’t really find what I was looking for. I want a long chapel veil, with beautiful embroidery. I’ve wanted the veil more than the dress since I was a little girl. So I must find it. 

Its a bit sad to have my wedding plans and shopping going on without my friends. I feel lonely, at times when I feel its typical to have your mom and friends with you.  My mom was here for a few weekends when we had planned to go shopping for my dress, but in both of those weekends we didn’t find my dress. I found it when she had already returned to Colorado and Elke and I went shopping. My dad can’t take any time off work, he is finally back after recovering from surgery. And I get sad whenever I think of how much more fun it would have been if Stacey were here. I know she would be here trying on dresses right along side me. I miss her. And my other girls in Colorado, whom I miss dearly too. But I do have Elke, who’s been my rock. 

Its also now been two months since I’ve seen my love. 🙁 I miss him SOOO much. We facetime almost every day, but its still hard. I won’t see him until the very end of May :'( when he comes to my graduation. He’s just so busy with work, and can’t take any time off to fly across the world for a weekend. Its a 15+ hour flight, its just not possible. But, I still secretly wish he would surprise me by coming. 

Also I got into a nasty argument with my grandmother last night when she called me and while we were talking she made a sly comment about her disappointment that I didn’t marry another guy from a Russian family instead of ‘some Japanese man’, and that she knew this would eventually happen when my family had decided to move to the US. I told her matter-of-factly that he’s half Swedish half Japanese and that she should be happy that I’m marrying a man that loves me, has seen the worst parts of me and has accepted and loved me despite all of my flaws, supports me, has never once torn me down, puts up with my shit, and is always loving and gentle towards me. I got really angry really quickly. She started to piss me off because she tried to back track and said she meant she wishes he was Russian only because she knew what to expect (“culturally” speaking) instead of a foreigner because she was concerned how “they” treat “their women”. And that she was worried about whether or not he was from a good family, if he was a Christian, etc. She was trying to make it seem like she was concerned with my wellbeing instead of her being a bigot. I understand that she’s considerably old, and that in her part of the world she knows nothing else, I don’t think she’s traveled much outside of Eastern Europe. But then she said something that really pissed me off, and she said that she was concerned what our children would look like, she doesn’t think they would be accepted because they would be “too mixed”. And according to her old wives tales that mixing the blood too much means they are at a higher risk for miscarriage. She’s a bitch. Yes, I was fuming. And hurt. I told her that what she had just told me was very disrespectful and hurtful, and that if she had a problem with me marrying Ayato then she could do us all a favor and not come because she isn’t needed. And then she tried to apologize but I was hurt and angry. So I told her to not come, that I am uninviting her, and that she can forget about me, she has plenty of grandkids whose lives she can meddle in but I don’t want her here. Grandpa is still invited but I don’t want her here. Then after the conversation ended, an hour later my dad called me and asked me what had happened , why did I uninvited grandma etc. Because she called him and made me out to be a villain I’m sure. And he knows how she is, so when I told him he understood. But basically to tell me to please make up with her and invite her. Or else its going to cause problems within our whole family. Especially because she’s going to make a big deal about it. Which is only motivating me to not give a fuck. I don’t even know her, I’ve only met her four times in my entire life. I speak to her on the phone briefly whenever dad calls her or vice versa. She’s always been a condescending bitch to my mom (that I’ve heard of from my aunts). I just don’t care to make up with someone that says shit like that to me. That judges my fiancé without even meeting him simply because he’s from a different culture, who tells me I’m going to end up having a miscarriage, etc. The more I think about it the more I want to call her and tell her to fuck off. 

And I haven’t told Ayato because its like 5AM in Japan rn but later today I’m gonna tell him what this bitch said. And yes I get that she’s my grandmother and that there must always be a certain amount of respect that she commands simply because of it (or at least in my family’s cultural dynamic ) but she really needs someone to put her in her place. 

My mom called me too and told me to ‘please, if I could’ ignore her comments, make up with her, and invite her. I said I would think about it. I told my dad I would just want some time to get over her comments.

Truly, I only care about what Ayato says. Its his wedding too, he’s paying for all of it, he’s going to have to deal with her that day not them. I can’t make a decision without him. Though I really just want her to not come, and its not going to be a big deal because afterwards she’s flying back home to Saint Petersburg and I won’t see her again. 

I wish I had a nice grandma. My mom’s mom passed away a few years ago. My grandpas are good people thou.

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