I get it. By now, you’re so over hearing about me and the moving issue. But! I am proud to announce that, at least in this moment, I am beginning to embrace it. What’s even more shocking is that there is this tiny little glimmer of excitement in me. Part of me is hopeful that my parents are coming around to the idea of helping me buy a house. Another part of me is attempting to embrace the potential excitement of a new adventure, even if it means moving back into an apartment after living in houses for the past 6+ years.
You hear me say this every time – I LOVE my house. But lately, I look around and I’m constantly reminded that I CAN’T do this on my own. I’m not hurting anyone but myself by holding onto it. I have a yard that needs to be kept up and I physically can’t even do enough to make it look presentable, nor do I have the resources to hire people. I have learned that with or without friends and visitors, I value a clean and tidy home and this house is too big for me to be able to live that way. My mobility limitations are constantly thrown in my face because there is always more cleaning to do than what I’m able, leaving me in a forever place of feeling as if I’m behind and not good enough.
The hardest part is that from the day I moved out at 18 I have had an order in my head and expectations for myself, regardless of what everyone else was doing. The order was to rent an apartment, graduate to renting a house and then buy a house. I had been ready to buy a house for years, I’d just never done it. So all this time I have never been able to let myself live it down… It’s always easier to look back and criticize yourself for what you “should’ve” done. As if I could’ve predicted what was about to happen and how dramatically my life was about to change… But now I’m potentially going backwards if I move into an apartment and my thinking mind is having a hay day with that one. But it’s not a fact yet so I wish I could shut it down and shut it up!
Anyways, I’ve told myself that by holding onto this big house, I’m still me. I’m still the badass who doesn’t need roommates and who can make it on her own. Truth is, that’s a lie. I can’t make it on my own anymore. I scrape by with the help of my parents… I also demanded that renting a big house with a big yard and an awesome garage said I was the girl every guy would want and that it spoke volumes about my boss chick mentality. You know, the “I don’t need a guy cause I’ve done it all on my own” attitude. More so, it meant I could pursue someone because I want to, not because I need them. Well… I haven’t dated anyone since I’ve lived in this house so I guess it hasn’t done me much good in that department either ha-ha. Funny, not funny?
Anyways, it’s a lot. A lot of things running through my head and absolutely a lot of emotions, too. This is going to be a tremendous change for me and even though I have months to prepare, it’s probably a good thing I’m starting to come to terms with it now because I’ll probably need months to be a mess for I fully embrace the excitement of whatever comes next…