Written

When i was younger I read everything I could get my hands on. I was a total book worm when I was in school. I’d finish off a novel a day. I wasn’t a happy teenager. I was sad and angry. I was oddly as introverted as I was forward. I spent days locked away in my room, inside my own mind, but then could get up in front of the entire school and give a motivational speech that would rival any adults at the time. 

But all that time alone in my mind gave me time to explore myself. I was young, and green to emotion; and as a teen, brimming with it. I wrote. I wrote even more than I read. I took all those ideas and emotions and put them on paper. (back then it was pen and paper, no computers-Type writers were too annoying) Words came easier to me from my hand than my mouth. They flowed better. Made more sense. Allowed me to FIND the sense in all the chaos. 

I got older. My situation changed. One day, I realized, I don’t write any more. 

It made me sad. I thought, maybe I don’t NEED it. Maybe it was an outlet that I no longer had a use for. Maybe all those reasons I’d had back then just weren’t reasons any more. 

But deep down I knew that wasn’t it. I still had struggles. Depression. Anxiety. 

Years went by where I didn’t write at all. No longer even kept a diary. And then one day I sat down, overwhelmed with life, and tried to put it on paper…and couldn’t. My mind went blank. Empty. Like I couldn’t transfer the emotion from my soul to my mind any more. 

Writers block? 

But after the conversation with MB the other night about his ex I think I know what happened. 

I built up my walls. 

Years of hiding away. Years of putting on the brave face. Years of being the strong one. Of pretending everything was Ok. I had shut that part off. Closed it off. That tunnel that once had existed so long ago, that outlet that allowed the transfer of emotion and feeling…and love…I’d caved it in. Sealed it up. Barricaded. My smile was not the only emotional stone wall…the other is in my soul. 

I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m not sure how to reopen that part. 

Admitting you have a problem is the 1st step, right? 

Having MB in my life has made me so aware of how closed up i’ve been. Actually FEELING things again. 

It is SO hard. 

I want so badly to LOVE him.

I DO love him. Let me try to reword that…more accurately. 

I want to Love him without being fearful. 

I think part of the fear comes from being unable to express what I am really feeling. I used to be able to put it on paper. And it all make sense. But I still can’t get it from where it originates to where I need it to go. I’m not good with speaking. The words get jumbled up. And they aren’t as deep as I need them to be. 

But the tunnel is still blocked. Congested with fear. I can FEEL it. I just can’t get it out. Can’t get to the destination. 

How do I get past that? 

One thought on “Written”

  1. You said: “I want to love him without being fearful.”
    Is it fear of being hurt?  Is that where it comes from?  I can understand that part.  I guess I feel that a tad myself, but it has never stopped me from loving.  I fall into that entirely too easily so it’s the converse I’m scared of.
    But if it is fear of getting hurt, there’s no way around it really.  There is no guarantee from the other if they haven’t said already that they feel it too.  Love not returned can hurt.  And if they love you now, I know you know it doesn’t mean they will still love you still tomorrow.  (Though true love does not really fade at all quickly).
    You just have to be willing to take that chance.  To let yourself truly feel it.  To come to terms with it and let it carry you onwards.  You can’t worry about where it might take you, you just need to be willing to let it take you there. 
    And I think when your love reaches a certain level, because you let it, you realize some of it doesn’t matter any more.  Your love becomes unselfish and pure.  You just want the best for the other person.  You smile through the tears of your own pain and realize it’s good, that love is good, and that you’re so happy you feel it for another even if it’s hurt you in the process.
    We are human, love is in us, we need to feel it to feel truly alive. 

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