Challenging My Anxiety.

Today I took pictures of things I would like to sell and I posted them on FB. It seems like such a trivial thing, I mean, people do it all the time! But me? I picked off all the skin on my lower lip until it bled, repeatedly. I had to stop at one point because I couldn’t breathe.

And, as usual, I’m in conflict with myself about it. Part of me is yelling “But you did it! You’re brave! You could’ve just taken pictures or even just posted one thing but you did it all!” and then there’s other parts saying “Yeah but what’s there to celebrate? Your lips hurt and now you have to wear lipstick to hide it! And you’re STILL trying to calm yourself down and you haven’t even talked to anyone yet!” I am desperate to feel victorious but I just… Don’t.

I feel like I’m scared of everything. Scared of talking to people, scared of negotiating and being low balled, scared of meeting people… And I know, take precautions, meet at the police station, have someone with me, etc. I just don’t feel like yay me…

In fact, I’m wondering who this me even is. Since when am I afraid to talk to people? Since when am I phased by someone making a bs offer? I don’t get intimidated, I don’t get freaked out like this! But I do. I do now anyways. Now that my anxiety has grown into something that constantly fights me for control over my own life. As if I don’t have enough exhausting me and constantly challenging me already… Argh.

I just want to celebrate this and congratulate myself for doing it, for not letting my anxiety stop me. Is that too much to ask?! Regardless, I just don’t feel it. I feel completely drained… 

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