i guess im in the wrong.

I’m sooooo tired. I had an early morning class today, but I left as soon as class was over and headed home. I just feel an anxiety at the pit of my stomach and I feel awful. Even after I ate I just feel like I need to pray or something to make that feeling go away. 

I came home and took a long 2 hour bath wherein I almost drowned because my stupid ass fell asleep. if it weren’t for my friend calling me for my half of our group report, i might have drowned. then ayato called me but we ended up having an argument and made me feel worse. 

we’re arguing because ayato wants me to invite my grandma, he knows the shit my family might say because i disinvited her, then i told him i refuse to because she’s a bitch and she hasn’t apologized and said she wouldnt because she claimed im too ‘prideful’. then he got upset because he said that im causing problems for myself, and that he’s paying for the wedding, so he wants me to invite her so all the family problems im dealing with go away, and its not a big deal etc. then i got upset because i told him the issue wasnt about money, and its pretty fucking serious. and if he didnt understand that then i would pay him back everything he’s spent already. then he got upset for me saying it was a money dispute, when he just wants to make my problems go away, then i got upset because he doesn’t get it that problems are not going to go away, and its the principle of the matter. then he said he doesn’t know what i want him to do etc. it turned into a big argument, and i just told him i didnt want to talk about it and to forget it, and its his money so he can invite or disinvite whoever he wants and ill just shut up. and then i hung up. turned my phone off. and went to sleep for the whole day. 

am I wrong?????????? i just don’t think she should be allowed to get away with this. i mean, goddamn it its my wedding. yes, OUR wedding. but ayato has never met her. she’s a bitch. and no one puts her in her place. everyone bites their tongues. but i refuse. and then she got angry and told my dad that she wasn’t going to apologize to me. she claimed to have already apologized to me. and that she refuses to apologize again because i’m prideful, and that because of me she doesn’t want to attend my wedding anymore. etc. 

my parents are both upset with me, my uncles/aunts are upset with me. and now even my own fiancé is upset with me because i dont want her at our wedding. and THAT is what kills me. ayato should understand that this is not okay, and to roll over and let her walk all over us is not ok. the fucked up shit she told me is not okay. besides its our wedding. since when did it become my family’s wedding?!

i just want to cry. 

and to make matters worse, my father called ayato to ask him if he was against inviting my grandma. thats why ayato wants to invite her all of a sudden. because im sure my dad told him a pretty biased story, and he wants to agree with my dad about this “family issue”. 

im done. i dont care anymore. i have been avoiding everyone’s calls. i havent spoken to my parents in three days, i haven’t spoken to the rest of my family for a week now, and i guess my own husband-to-be is going to disagree with me too now. im not going to avoid him, he’s the only person i wont avoid. but i will for today because i just feel like shit. and if everyone agrees with inviting her, then i guess i’m wrong??? 

i hate this. 
planning a wedding is suppose to be stressful for all the right reasons. like wedding cakes, finding the right florist, and the food. not getting into a battle royal with my family (and now fiance) on whether or not i should invite my racist bitch of a grandmother. 

it just irks me out so badly. why??? why do i have to have this racist bitch here. why do i have to kiss her ass even though she told me all of those hurtful things? am i a drama queen? is this not that big of a deal? am I over reacting? she told me that because ayato and i are not the same race, my baby might die (miscarriage) because of race mixing. and that she wanted me to be with a white guy. etc. is this ok? is this something a grandmother is suppose to say to her grandkid whom she hardly ever sees? am i a fucking joke? 

why does everyone around me seem like its nothing to be offended over. and then what pisses me off even more is that she’s refusing to acknowledge she did or said anything bad.

 

i dont know. i guess im a fucking joke. and i get offended way too easily. and ill have to call her, beg her for forgiveness (that i failed to take her criticism with good grace) and to please ask her to attend my wedding. then have to kiss her ass. so that she can be happy and content. and so my parents can be happy. and so the rest of my family can be happy because she’s happy. and so ayato can be happy he’s paying for who he wants to invite. and fuck me. because clearly, with this many people pointing their fingers at me, im in the wrong. 

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