Old ways

Know what’s odd…

This whole time MB and I have been dating I’ve been trying to self sabotage myself at every turn. 

Now, that he’s doing this custody thing I haven’t. 

With this going on he’s seemingly more vulnerable. I wonder if somehow, subconciously, now he’s the ‘victim’ that I always seem to hook up with. 

Every single one of my exes NEEDED me. Drug addiction-I can fix that. Behind on child support-Let me pay it. Need a vehicle-I’ll buy you one. Place to live-I got you covered. 

I’ve been supporting and bank rolling men my whole adult life. When I met MB he didn’t need me financially or other wise. 

Now, that he started this custody thing, he asked me initially if I’d be able to help him if he didn’t have all the money. That little twitch went off in my mind. That little “Well, fuck, here we go.” 

He ended up not needed anything from me. Thankfully. And I told him so. I told him I would have given it to him, but I wouldn’t have been happy about it. He swore up and down that he would have paid it back and seemed genuinely uncomfortable with the idea that i was ultimately uncomfortable with it all. 

But now it’s the emotional insecurity, and uncertainty. I can’t help but think that “Here is another man that NEEDS me for something.” That needs emotional support. 

I know it’s unfair. 

But I can’t help it. After all these years of being everything for everyone else, and being the solid ground for everyone to stand on and walk all over…it’s like now my mind is saying….Maybe this isn’t such a great idea. 

Bad timing? Better to see it now? Instead of later? 

I can already envision falling into those old patterns. Where I hold him up, like a puppetier and pull his strings, and essentially do everything for him. Because I will look at him like someone I have to take care of. Someone that I have to set the course for and guide. 

I do this every. time. Every time, I find that weakness, I hone in on it and then that’s it. I’m trapped. Trapped in the cycle of “I’ll do everything for you, and you won’t have to do shit, bend over and I’ll wipe your ass”

How do I avoid falling back into this pattern? Or is it already too late? 

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