I don’t get myself. Maybe I’m so far screwed up that I can’t adjust to a relationship any more.
MB and I were good yesterday. He came by the school and took his son out to lunch then when he got back he and I went out for a coffee. I look at him and think how absolutely sexy he is. And what really makes him even sexier is the way he looks at me. Like he LOVES me. He looks at me like I’m the only woman he sees.
We cuddled on the recliner last night watching Netflix. Just whispering and kissing. It’s those moments when I can’t get close enough to him. When his touch is so warm. His arms so safe. His kisses so deep. His words so caring. The rest of the world falls away, it’s just he and I. And I just WANT him. I want him in every way a person wants another.
And then….I don’t know what happens. Maybe I scare myself? Maybe I put those walls back up. Maybe I worry too much. Maybe I just won’t allow myself to any farther. Maybe it’s just me self sabotaging myself.
Suddenly, wrapped in his arms, I just felt so alone. So empty. I still wanted him, but suddenly I felt like…I would never have him. Like that want would never be met. That I would always be left wanting.
We went to bed, it was getting late and I knew he had to wake up early. I initially turned away and closed my eyes. He questioned my sudden change. I blamed it on the hour. After a bit of gentle words I turned back to him, the kisses deep. Feeling. Fire and passion.
But then, there it was, creeping back in, that gnawing want. This emptiness that I couldn’t fill. That he couldn’t fill. We talked a little bit about the future. But I wasn’t comforted by his answers. Eventually he dozed off and I got out of bed and went to sleep on the recliner.
I just felt so alone I figured it would be better to actually BE alone.
I returned to bed 10 min before his alarm went off. He knew I’d been gone and questioned why. I didn’t answer.
I still feel empty today. And alone. I know he loves me. But is it enough?