Present Mind.

In the grand scheme of things, the past few days have been “good”. Insightful if nothing else. I want to rejoice but I still feel like I’ve lost… I keep telling myself “If there’s a will, there’s a way!” and “Seriously, if anyone can figure out the seemingly impossible, it’s you! You don’t give up so don’t give up now!” But no matter how many phone calls I make or emails I send, no matter how many articles and books I read,  forums I post in or contacts I reach out to, they keep leading me to dead ends.

My Dad says he’s on board to help me buy a house… If I can buy land and build one for $150k. Where I live, you can’t even buy a condo for $150k. In fact, you’d be lucky to get a nice trailer for that much. Point is, that’s not realistic and we all know it. None the less, I’ll look into it. Why? Because that’s me. I’m hopeful that buying a home isn’t out of reach and confident that if there’s a loophole, I’m the one to find it! So I look into down payment assistance programs which will allow a co-signer but they won’t allow me to build a house. Okay, next! Reach out about some rural home loans. Sure, you can build a home! Score! …But you can’t have a co-signer if they don’t live in the house. Hmm, okay, let’s reach out to home builders just for curiosity sake. One didn’t bother to reply, the other politely told me their homes are far beyond what I can afford. Ha! Okay, that’s bumming me out. Moving on.

Medical stuff! I run upstairs and grab my 4000+ page binder of test results and hospital chart notes, follow up appointments and surgery recommendations. I start skimming. Bam! Marrow edema at S1. Hmmm… I don’t think I’ve looked this up in a while. I run downstairs and grab my laptop. The research mission is back on! I spend hours and hours reading about marrow edema and lesions (I have lesions on my ilium) and the progression, blah blah blah. Anyways, I get all psyched and now I’m going to ask my doc if I can have new MRI’s done so that we can see if anything has changed. Part of me is hopeful and excited, part of me reminds myself she told me to focus on coming to terms that this is it. Then there’s the part where I read what the remedies are and even if this is the cause of my pain/mobility issues, the treatment options are those I’ve already done. And surgery. Don’t get me started. So then I get deflated and now here I am. Oh yeah, I also ran across my old paystubs (they’re part of the file in my binder) and I was reminded of the life I had before all of this. I cried. And cried some more.

These past few years have humbled me. I’ve made leaps and bounds of progress in therapy. Honestly, I’ve become more human. But with that comes more awareness. Awareness of everything… The good and the bad. I wish I could say the good just overjoys me and nothing can get me down but a moment of good will be listening to the birds outside or seeing an eagle in my backyard! …And a bad moment will be every time I sell something. Something I worked hard for, something that cost me a lot of money, something I’m selling for pennies on the dollar because I’m downsizing… Not because I want to but because I have to. Because in a few months, everything will change yet again. It’s hard to stay present when I don’t want to feel these feelings. I don’t want to be in this moment. I don’t want to get rid of my things… I want that paycheck back. My cars. My “status”. I want to know who I am and again, I’m a broken record, but I just don’t understand this life I’ve been given. I don’t. I want to be at peace with it but I never feel settled. I never feel like I adjust or adapt. And I’ll be damned if I don’t try!

So what the hell… Will someone or something please tell me what I’m supposed to do? Something other than to practice radical acceptance cause I feel like I’m taking action to do that but hey, maybe I’m not. I know, pity party, woe is me. Whatever, this is my moment and this is how I’m feeling…

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